Murphy's Law(s)

Everyone's probably familiar with Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. But true Murphyism goes far beyond this, both in depth and in specificity.

When I was in high school, I owned a set of three "Murphy's Law" books authored and/or edited by Arthur Bloch. As I was wandering around Amazon a couple of weeks ago, I found that all three books had been republished in a single volume. Naturally, I had to have it.

I've been reading this tome over the last several days, and I've rediscovered many bits of wisdom I had come to treasure all those years ago. Here, for your reading pleasure, are a few of my favorites.^‡ Enjoy, and apply as occasions may require.

Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

O'Brien's Observation:
The quickest way to find something is to start looking for something else.

Grossman's misquote of H.L. Mencken:
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Issawi's Law of the Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

Stockmayer's Theorem:
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Commoner's Law of Ecology:
Nothing ever goes away.

Coit-Murphy's Statement on the Power of Negative Thinking:
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage.
If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The Roman Rule:
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

Patton's Law:
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

White's Statement:
Don't lose heart.
 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
 They might want to cut it out.
  Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
  And they want to avoid a lengthy search.

Fox on Levelology:
What will get you promoted on one level will get you killed on another.

Whistler's Law:
You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.

Curtois' Rule:
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Iles' Law:
There is always an easier way to do it.
 Corollaries:
  1.When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
  2. Neither will Iles.

First Law of Debate:
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.

The Rule of Law:
If the facts are against you, argue the law.
If the law is against you, argue the facts.
If the facts and the law are against you, yell like hell.

The Fifth Rule of Politics:
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.

Simon's Law of Destiny:
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

De Nevers' Law of Debate:
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Van Roy's First Law:
If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don't need advice.

Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Shirley's Law:
Most people deserve each other.

Canada Bill Jones' Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Todd's Law:
All things being equal, you lose.
 Corollary:
  All things being in your favor, you still lose.

Jensen's Law:
Win or lose, you lose.

Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Law of the Lie:
No matter how often a lie is shown to be false, there will remain a percentage of people who believe it true.

The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not committee.

Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Maah's Law:
Things go right so they can go wrong.

Silverman's Paradox:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

Nagler's Comment on the Origin of Murphy's Law:
Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

--
^‡All quotations taken from:
Bloch, A. The Complete Murphy's Law: A Definitive Collection; Price Stern Sloan: Los Angeles, CA, 1991.