My Mother, The Teacher

I got this e-mail from my mother, an elementary- and middle school teacher for almost 30 years, under the title New Comment List for Grades:

• Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  
• I would not allow this student to breed.
  
• Your child has delusions of adequacy.
  
• Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  
• Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  
• The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  
• This child has been working with glue too much.
  
• When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
  
• The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  
• If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  
• It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
  
• The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

The scary thing is that I'm only a substitute (so far), and I already know kids like that.

The even scarier thing is that my mom taught in the same district I grew up in. Which means she probably has at least a few of my classmates in mind here.

And she'd be right.