Random Ruminations on the NFL
Arizona Cardinals: Congratulations, you own the longest championship drought in major North American professional sports. Keep up the great work!
Atlanta Falcons: Sorry, but you’re going to continue to hear “28-3” until you actually win a Super Bowl. Deal with it.
Baltimore Ravens: You should still be in Cleveland.
Buffalo Bills: Look, somebody's gotta kick New England off their perch in the AFC East eventually. It might as well be you. Heaven knows the Jets and Dolphins aren’t up for it.
Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton hasn’t been the same since Von Miller strip-sacked him in Super Bowl 50. You know it. I know it. Time to move on.
Chicago Bears: I respect the fact that you’re still playing outdoors after Minnesota and Detroit went soft. But seriously, you’ve got to figure out something with that offense.
Cincinnati Bengals: I don’t know if you didn’t get the memo, but Cleveland is supposed to be the suckiest team in the NFL. See what you can do about that.
Cleveland Browns: What can I say that hasn’t been said a hundred times before? You’re too talented to be playing this badly...or would be, if you were anybody but the Cleveland Browns.
Dallas Cowboys: Now that Jason Garrett is gone, you’ll have to find someone else to blame for your constant mediocrity. Too bad you can’t fire the owner.
Denver Broncos: There are two things you must replace immediately: those awful 90s uniforms--bring back the Orange Crush--and your dreadful excuse for a starting left tackle.
Detroit Lions: Wait, you’re still here? I had no idea.
Green Bay Packers: You’ve got the best stadium and some of the best fans in the NFL. It’d be nice if you could win another Super Bowl before Aaron Rodgers has to hang it up.
Houston Texans: Congratulations on the least original name in the NFL. It’s not even like you came up with the name first. Lame.
Indianapolis Colts: You should still be in Baltimore.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Just move to London already and be done with it.
Kansas City Chiefs: Andy Reid is The Man. That is all.
Los Angeles Chargers: Nobody in L.A. cares about you. Sleeping on the couch of the Rams’ shiny new stadium won’t fix that. You should crawl back to San Diego ASAP and beg them to take you back.
Los Angeles Rams: With your shiny new stadium, maybe one day Los Angelinos will care about you as much as USC and/or UCLA. One day. Maybe.
Miami Dolphins: You were in line for the first overall pick in the 2020 draft, and you even managed to screw that up. Magnificent.
Minnesota Vikings: Nobody is worth $87 million in guaranteed money. Nobody. Keep that in mind this time next year, maybe.
New England Patriots: It was really weird not seeing you in the Super Bowl this year. I had nobody to root against. Oh, well.
New Orleans Saints: The fact that the most exciting player on your team is the third-string quarterback probably says something, but I’m not sure what.
New York Giants: So now you have a stud quarterback to go with your stud running back. What you don’t have is excuses, not any more.
New York Jets: Now that Kansas City has won their first Super Bowl in half a century, you might want to start thinking about going back, too.
Oakland Las Vegas Raiders: You need to change the official name of your team to the Sin City Raiders, stat.
Philadelphia Eagles: You’re too good--and the rest of the NFC East is too bad--for you not to be winning it year in and year out.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re not even interesting enough right now to warrant a witty comment. Sorry.
San Francisco 49ers: It sucks to lose the Super Bowl, but you had a great season. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Seattle Seahawks: For the love of all that is good and holy, you’ve got to burn those green highlighter uniforms. Right now. You’re going to put somebody’s eye out. Also, get Russell Wilson a real offensive line before he gets killed out there.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mother of Hades, you’ve got to burn those clown suits you’re currently wearing. Right now. You look ridiculous. The XFL would be embarrassed to wear that. Even the old creamsicle orange was better than this.
Tennessee Titans: Kudos on figuring out that Ryan Tannehill was a better quarterback than Marcus Mariota. I certainly didn’t see that one coming.
Washington Redskins: Your city’s NBA franchise rebranded itself in 1997 because it realized the team name was problematic. How long until you follow suit?
Atlanta Falcons: Sorry, but you’re going to continue to hear “28-3” until you actually win a Super Bowl. Deal with it.
Baltimore Ravens: You should still be in Cleveland.
Buffalo Bills: Look, somebody's gotta kick New England off their perch in the AFC East eventually. It might as well be you. Heaven knows the Jets and Dolphins aren’t up for it.
Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton hasn’t been the same since Von Miller strip-sacked him in Super Bowl 50. You know it. I know it. Time to move on.
Chicago Bears: I respect the fact that you’re still playing outdoors after Minnesota and Detroit went soft. But seriously, you’ve got to figure out something with that offense.
Cincinnati Bengals: I don’t know if you didn’t get the memo, but Cleveland is supposed to be the suckiest team in the NFL. See what you can do about that.
Cleveland Browns: What can I say that hasn’t been said a hundred times before? You’re too talented to be playing this badly...or would be, if you were anybody but the Cleveland Browns.
Dallas Cowboys: Now that Jason Garrett is gone, you’ll have to find someone else to blame for your constant mediocrity. Too bad you can’t fire the owner.
Denver Broncos: There are two things you must replace immediately: those awful 90s uniforms--bring back the Orange Crush--and your dreadful excuse for a starting left tackle.
Detroit Lions: Wait, you’re still here? I had no idea.
Green Bay Packers: You’ve got the best stadium and some of the best fans in the NFL. It’d be nice if you could win another Super Bowl before Aaron Rodgers has to hang it up.
Houston Texans: Congratulations on the least original name in the NFL. It’s not even like you came up with the name first. Lame.
Indianapolis Colts: You should still be in Baltimore.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Just move to London already and be done with it.
Kansas City Chiefs: Andy Reid is The Man. That is all.
Los Angeles Chargers: Nobody in L.A. cares about you. Sleeping on the couch of the Rams’ shiny new stadium won’t fix that. You should crawl back to San Diego ASAP and beg them to take you back.
Los Angeles Rams: With your shiny new stadium, maybe one day Los Angelinos will care about you as much as USC and/or UCLA. One day. Maybe.
Miami Dolphins: You were in line for the first overall pick in the 2020 draft, and you even managed to screw that up. Magnificent.
Minnesota Vikings: Nobody is worth $87 million in guaranteed money. Nobody. Keep that in mind this time next year, maybe.
New England Patriots: It was really weird not seeing you in the Super Bowl this year. I had nobody to root against. Oh, well.
New Orleans Saints: The fact that the most exciting player on your team is the third-string quarterback probably says something, but I’m not sure what.
New York Giants: So now you have a stud quarterback to go with your stud running back. What you don’t have is excuses, not any more.
New York Jets: Now that Kansas City has won their first Super Bowl in half a century, you might want to start thinking about going back, too.
Philadelphia Eagles: You’re too good--and the rest of the NFC East is too bad--for you not to be winning it year in and year out.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re not even interesting enough right now to warrant a witty comment. Sorry.
San Francisco 49ers: It sucks to lose the Super Bowl, but you had a great season. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Seattle Seahawks: For the love of all that is good and holy, you’ve got to burn those green highlighter uniforms. Right now. You’re going to put somebody’s eye out. Also, get Russell Wilson a real offensive line before he gets killed out there.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mother of Hades, you’ve got to burn those clown suits you’re currently wearing. Right now. You look ridiculous. The XFL would be embarrassed to wear that. Even the old creamsicle orange was better than this.
Tennessee Titans: Kudos on figuring out that Ryan Tannehill was a better quarterback than Marcus Mariota. I certainly didn’t see that one coming.
Washington Redskins: Your city’s NBA franchise rebranded itself in 1997 because it realized the team name was problematic. How long until you follow suit?
posted by Michael at
5:20 PM
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