Two Jokes

 In reviewing my blog posts of the last several months, I realized – to my horror – that  most of them had been political in nature. That will never do. So, here's something amusing to break up the monotony. You're welcome.

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A guy went to see his psychiatrist. He said, "Doc, you've got to help me!"

"What seems to be the problem?" the psychiatrist responded.

"Whenever I meet somebody new, instead of saying 'Hello' or 'How do you do', I just blurt out, 'What's new, pussycat?' It's weird, but I just can't help myself."

"Very interesting", the psychiatrist said. "It appears that you have developed a condition called Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Tom Jones syndrome?" the man asked. "I've never even heard of it. Is it rare?"

"Well," the psychiatrist responded, "it's not unusual."

-

A man found himself standing at the pearly gates before St. Peter. He gave his name, his address, and a few details of his life. Saint Peter then said, "I have located your information, and it looks like we have you listed for provisional acceptance into Heaven. It doesn't look like you've committed any particularly serious sins, however you haven't really done anything to distinguish yourself for the side of Right, either. If you could tell us about something you've done that was particularly courageous or heroic, it would really make the issue a lot easier to resolve."

"Well," the man said, "I was walking home from the pub when I looked down a dark alley and saw a young girl on the ground, surrounded by five or six tough-looking bikers. They had her trapped, and I could tell their intentions weren't honorable. I don't know why, but it made me really angry. I knew I had to do something.

"So I turned and walked right down that alley, right towards the biggest, toughest-looking one. He turned around when he saw me coming, and before he could do anything, I kicked him right in the family jewels, if you take my meaning. He dropped like a rag doll, and the others started to close in on me. Well, I picked up a piece of metal pipe and brought it down right on the next guy's head. He dropped, too.

"By then they'd hesitated for a minute. So I shouted at them. I said, 'All right, you scum, that's enough! I've never seen a more disgusting collection of human filth in all my life! You're all animals! You leave this poor girl alone, you freaks! Now get lost, before I give the rest of you a serious lesson in pain!' "

"Wow," St. Peter said, "that's quite remarkable. That would certainly qualify you for entry into Heaven. When did this happen?"

The man replied sheepishly, "About two minutes ago."