Utah Drivers
Okay, here's the rant I promised about Utah drivers. Comedian Bill Engvall once observed that airline passengers seem to "check their brain with their luggage." I feel that drivers in Utah suffer from a similar condition. When they put the car in drive, they put their brain in neutral.
I know, everyone thinks that the worst drivers in the world live in their own area. (Ironically, we never seem to include ourselves among them. Hmmm....) Having lived and driven in a few different places, I have become convinced that Utah drivers are indeed the worst of the lot. Nevertheless, I don't consider this condition to be terminal (necessarily). With a little coaching and considerable effort, I believe that Utah drivers can actually be transformed back into normal,
thinking human beings. Therefore, I present the following Suggestions and/or Rules for Utah Drivers as a public service. You're welcome.
1. Let us first consider the origin and meaning of the word 'driver'. It is a noun, derived from the verb 'to drive'; the '-er' suffix indicates that the word is descriptive of the person it names. In other words, if you are the 'driver' of a vehicle, your job is 'to drive'. In fact, it is the entire reason that you are in the vehicle - not to scarf down breakfast, not to apply your makeup, and not to chat with the kids in the back seat, but to drive. Once you understand this, the rest becomes much easier.
2. For the love of all that is good and holy, hang up that cell phone. Unless you're a nuclear physicist and you're talking someone through an emergency reactor shutdown, your conversation is not so important that it needs to take place at 65 miles per hour. (I admit, it is at least theoretically possible that I'm wrong about this. But I'm not.) And if for some misguided reason you think your conversation is that important, it still doesn't need to take place at 65 miles per hour. Pull off to the side of the road and say what you need to say. It's a better conversation for you, and it's a heck of a lot safer for us.
3. That strange, stick-shaped protuberance jutting out from the left-hand side of your steering column is called a 'turn signal'. Learn to use it. We're not mind readers here.
4. Okay, so you have an SUV. Good for you. That doesn't mean that the laws of physics no longer apply to you when it starts to rain or snow. Slow down.
5. The yellow and white lines painted on the road are there to define lanes. Pick one. No, really, a single lane is enough for anybody.
6. Yeah, about that....if you're not traveling faster than (or even as fast as) the vehicles in the right-hand lane, there is no reason for you to be in the left-hand lane. Move over already.
7. If you look in the mirror and see a car coming up fast on your left, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass you. This is not a signal that you need to speed up. Just let the other driver pass you. It's not a race.
7a. If you're stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle on the freeway and the car behind you moves into the left lane and accelerates, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass both you and the slow-moving vehicle in front of you. Do not suddenly pull out in front of him. Just let him pass you. Yes, you can try to pass the slow-moving vehicle in front of you, but the other driver gets to go first. That's his reward for figuring out that he needed to pass before you did. Don't get mad at the other driver for being smarter than you are. It isn't his fault.
8. Unlike Cheerios spilled by children in church, there is no 'three second rule' for red lights. A red traffic light means "Stop" . . . as in "now", as in "yes, you."
9. A yellow traffic light should be interpreted to mean, "The light is going to change to red very soon, so stop if you can do so;" not as, "Go ahead and punch the accelerator...you've got those three extra seconds, you know."
10. Almost all sighted human beings are gifted with peripheral vision that allows them to see in an arc of about 120°. Unfortunately, this does not appear to apply to Utah drivers, who don't seem to see anything unless it's directly in front of them. This must change.
11. "Mormon Standard Time" is no excuse for driving like a psychopath. Don't expect the rest of us to get out of your way just because you're running late. Try setting your alarm clock a little earlier next time.
12. "Tailgating" is an activity that should be confined to the parking lot at the stadium of your favorite sports team. If you can see the look of panic on the face of the driver in the rear-view mirror of the car in front of you, you're too close. Back off. Your insurance company will thank you.
13. Contrary to the prevailing opinion, there is nothing wrong, legally or morally, with driving at the speed limit. Some people don't have the reflexes to go 80 all the time (including a lot of people who do go 80 all the time, incidentally), and some people are so destitute that they just don't want to risk getting a speeding ticket. That's okay. There's no need to tailgate them, flash your lights at them, shout obscenities at them, or try to drive them off the road. Just pass them and get on with your life.
14. No, you don't get extra points for pedestrians, bicycles, scooters, or motorcycles. They're not targets placed there for your amusement. They're just people trying to get from Point A to Point B the same as you are. Share the road.
15. If you have to swerve across three or more lanes of traffic to get to your off-ramp, you're not paying attention. All freeway exits are labeled at least half a mile in advance. That means that at freeway speeds, you have between 24 and 33 seconds (do the math) to get into position for your exit. That's more than enough time for anyone with an IQ higher than room temperature. Thinking ahead: you really should try it sometime.
16. Common sense dictates that small children should be in car seats in the back seat. People who hold small children on their lap while they drive have no business reproducing.
17. When all else fails, try to use your brain just a little bit when you get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. For example, when someone honks their horn at you, it's probably because they think you're driving like an idiot. And if you're a typical Utah driver, you probably are. Instead of flipping them (and their children) the Utah Freeway Peace Sign, try thinking about what you might be doing that the other driver finds objectionable. Then stop doing it. Yes, the Golden Rule even applies on the highway.
Okay, I suppose that's enough instructive material for now. I wouldn't want to give anyone sensory overload, after all.
I'm sorry if I've offended anyone here -- unless it has motivated someone out there to start driving sanely, in which case I'm glad to have been of service. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all just need to drive friendly. Remember, in the words of Red Green, "We're all in this together."
I know, everyone thinks that the worst drivers in the world live in their own area. (Ironically, we never seem to include ourselves among them. Hmmm....) Having lived and driven in a few different places, I have become convinced that Utah drivers are indeed the worst of the lot. Nevertheless, I don't consider this condition to be terminal (necessarily). With a little coaching and considerable effort, I believe that Utah drivers can actually be transformed back into normal,
thinking human beings. Therefore, I present the following Suggestions and/or Rules for Utah Drivers as a public service. You're welcome.
1. Let us first consider the origin and meaning of the word 'driver'. It is a noun, derived from the verb 'to drive'; the '-er' suffix indicates that the word is descriptive of the person it names. In other words, if you are the 'driver' of a vehicle, your job is 'to drive'. In fact, it is the entire reason that you are in the vehicle - not to scarf down breakfast, not to apply your makeup, and not to chat with the kids in the back seat, but to drive. Once you understand this, the rest becomes much easier.
2. For the love of all that is good and holy, hang up that cell phone. Unless you're a nuclear physicist and you're talking someone through an emergency reactor shutdown, your conversation is not so important that it needs to take place at 65 miles per hour. (I admit, it is at least theoretically possible that I'm wrong about this. But I'm not.) And if for some misguided reason you think your conversation is that important, it still doesn't need to take place at 65 miles per hour. Pull off to the side of the road and say what you need to say. It's a better conversation for you, and it's a heck of a lot safer for us.
3. That strange, stick-shaped protuberance jutting out from the left-hand side of your steering column is called a 'turn signal'. Learn to use it. We're not mind readers here.
4. Okay, so you have an SUV. Good for you. That doesn't mean that the laws of physics no longer apply to you when it starts to rain or snow. Slow down.
5. The yellow and white lines painted on the road are there to define lanes. Pick one. No, really, a single lane is enough for anybody.
6. Yeah, about that....if you're not traveling faster than (or even as fast as) the vehicles in the right-hand lane, there is no reason for you to be in the left-hand lane. Move over already.
7. If you look in the mirror and see a car coming up fast on your left, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass you. This is not a signal that you need to speed up. Just let the other driver pass you. It's not a race.
7a. If you're stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle on the freeway and the car behind you moves into the left lane and accelerates, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass both you and the slow-moving vehicle in front of you. Do not suddenly pull out in front of him. Just let him pass you. Yes, you can try to pass the slow-moving vehicle in front of you, but the other driver gets to go first. That's his reward for figuring out that he needed to pass before you did. Don't get mad at the other driver for being smarter than you are. It isn't his fault.
8. Unlike Cheerios spilled by children in church, there is no 'three second rule' for red lights. A red traffic light means "Stop" . . . as in "now", as in "yes, you."
9. A yellow traffic light should be interpreted to mean, "The light is going to change to red very soon, so stop if you can do so;" not as, "Go ahead and punch the accelerator...you've got those three extra seconds, you know."
10. Almost all sighted human beings are gifted with peripheral vision that allows them to see in an arc of about 120°. Unfortunately, this does not appear to apply to Utah drivers, who don't seem to see anything unless it's directly in front of them. This must change.
11. "Mormon Standard Time" is no excuse for driving like a psychopath. Don't expect the rest of us to get out of your way just because you're running late. Try setting your alarm clock a little earlier next time.
12. "Tailgating" is an activity that should be confined to the parking lot at the stadium of your favorite sports team. If you can see the look of panic on the face of the driver in the rear-view mirror of the car in front of you, you're too close. Back off. Your insurance company will thank you.
13. Contrary to the prevailing opinion, there is nothing wrong, legally or morally, with driving at the speed limit. Some people don't have the reflexes to go 80 all the time (including a lot of people who do go 80 all the time, incidentally), and some people are so destitute that they just don't want to risk getting a speeding ticket. That's okay. There's no need to tailgate them, flash your lights at them, shout obscenities at them, or try to drive them off the road. Just pass them and get on with your life.
14. No, you don't get extra points for pedestrians, bicycles, scooters, or motorcycles. They're not targets placed there for your amusement. They're just people trying to get from Point A to Point B the same as you are. Share the road.
15. If you have to swerve across three or more lanes of traffic to get to your off-ramp, you're not paying attention. All freeway exits are labeled at least half a mile in advance. That means that at freeway speeds, you have between 24 and 33 seconds (do the math) to get into position for your exit. That's more than enough time for anyone with an IQ higher than room temperature. Thinking ahead: you really should try it sometime.
16. Common sense dictates that small children should be in car seats in the back seat. People who hold small children on their lap while they drive have no business reproducing.
17. When all else fails, try to use your brain just a little bit when you get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. For example, when someone honks their horn at you, it's probably because they think you're driving like an idiot. And if you're a typical Utah driver, you probably are. Instead of flipping them (and their children) the Utah Freeway Peace Sign, try thinking about what you might be doing that the other driver finds objectionable. Then stop doing it. Yes, the Golden Rule even applies on the highway.
Okay, I suppose that's enough instructive material for now. I wouldn't want to give anyone sensory overload, after all.
I'm sorry if I've offended anyone here -- unless it has motivated someone out there to start driving sanely, in which case I'm glad to have been of service. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all just need to drive friendly. Remember, in the words of Red Green, "We're all in this together."
posted by Michael at
10:01 PM
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