April Fools' Day Funnies

In honor of the day, I'd like to share two of my favorite jokes with you. Enjoy!
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Three Men at the Gate
Three men and their wives were sitting at the Pearly Gates, waiting for their admission into Heaven. Saint Peter called the first man up to the desk. "So," he said, "tell me why you deserve to be admitted into Heaven."

"I was a friend to everyone," the first man replied jovially. "I loved people. When my friends had troubles, I was always there with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. Everyone loved me."

"Uh-huh," said Peter. "And how many of these 'friends' were people from the local pub? The fact is, the people never really mattered to you. All you ever cared about was the booze. You loved alcohol so much you married a woman named Brandy. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's place for you here."

So the man turned and walked out, in search of the escalator headed down, his wife at his side. Peter called the second man up. "Same question. Why do you feel you deserve to be in Heaven?"

"I was a great philanthropist," the man declared proudly. "I donated over ten million dollars to worthy causes in my lifetime. I helped finance hospitals, schools, homeless shelters, and free clinics. I used my money to make the world a better place for those less fortunate than myself."

"Right," said Peter. "That's admirable. The problem is, you only did it for the tax write-offs. You never gave away a cent unless it also benefited you somehow. And for every dollar you gave away, you spent hundreds on your own selfish desires and pleasures. The fact is that you were a greedy little money-grubber. You loved money so much that you married a woman named Penny. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's no place for you here either." So he, too, headed for the escalator, his wife at his side.

Then, before Peter could call his name, the third man stood, turned to his wife, and said, "Come on, Fanny, I can see how this is going to turn out."

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The World's Best Blonde Joke
A blind man walked into a bar one night. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him to a barstool and got him a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word, there's something you need to know."

"What's that?" the blind man asked.

"There are five people besides you in this bar. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. There are two women sitting at the end of the bar. One is an off-duty police officer, and the other is a Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, and they're both blond. I'm six-foot-four, two hundred and sixty pounds, and I've got a third degree black belt in karate, and I'm blonde.

"So," the man concluded, "Are you sure you really want to tell that joke in here?"

The blind man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

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If you're curious, I also have a collection of some of the best e-mail funnies I've collected over the years. Take a look!