My Own Verse 10

This one's rather personal. Fair warning. -M

Yesterday was a really good day, followed by a really bad night. I won't go into details, but by the time I made it to bed well into the small hours, I was feeling empty and very, very sad. I awoke this morning feeling hollow and exhausted.

For the past few weeks, I have been attending (most of) two sets of church meetings on Sundays. I go to my home ward in the morning, then come home for lunch and a bit of rest, if I need it. Then I attend a couple of meetings at a singles ward for those aged 31-45. It generally makes for a balanced, uplifting Sunday.

I didn't go to my own ward today, though. Sacrament meeting was already half over by the time I woke up from a night of tossing and turning and unsettled dreams. So I got out my journal and started writing. Then, when the time came, I got cleaned up and went to the singles ward.

One of the speakers in sacrament meeting today talked about the struggles of the prophet Elijah. She took most of her talk from 1 Kings 19:4-18. She started with verse 4:

"But he [Elijah] himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers." (1 Kings 19:4)

He felt overwhelmed by his troubles. His trials and tribulations were more than he thought he could bear. At length, he made his way to Mount Horeb and took refuge in a cave. While he was there, "behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19:9)" In other words, "What in your life is so bad that it would make you want to live in a cave?"

In verse 10, Elijah pours his heart out to God. He sees his prophetic calling, his very life's work, crumbling around him. He feels entirely, utterly alone.

"And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. (1 Kings 19:10)"

At this point, the speaker said that each of us could probably write our own 'verse 10', our own report of what makes us feel lost and troubled and alone. She even shared hers with us. She mentioned being thirty-something, having more work to do than time in which to do it, having people to please above and beyond her level of energy — or even desire. And she mentioned having been interested in the same guy for more than four years, and he's still oblivious to it. Pretty standard stuff for single adult professionals, I guess.

And I started thinking about what would be in my own 'verse 10', what troubles I would take before the Lord. It goes something like this:

"I am troubled in mind and soul and body. My mobility is limited at times by a chronic condition from which I know I will never recover. I struggle in school and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that I am expected to know and do. There are times when I feel alone and I don't know why. And even though I try to do what I know is right, I still find myself living with the consequences of poor decisions I made almost ten years ago."

At this point in the narrative, the Lord comes to Elijah — not in a great and strong wind, not in a earthquake, not in a fire, but in a still, small voice. The Bible doesn't tell us what was said in this conversation, but it does tell us what happened next. Once again, the Lord asks, "What doest thou here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19:13)" And Elijah's answer is very interesting: verse 14 is exactly the same as verse 10. His burdens were still the same, even after speaking with the Lord.

The Lord then does something I think is a little unexpected. He commissions Elijah to go and anoint a new king and a new prophet. And he sends him away with these words: "Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him. (1 Kings 19:18)" He tells Elijah that his life's work has made a difference, and calls on him to continue that work.

I needed to hear that talk today.

There are a couple of important lessons I took away from this talk. One is that while the Lord cares for us deeply and wants us to turn to Him with our burdens, He will not always take them from us. The apostle Paul told of a 'thorn in the flesh' that he prayed three times to have taken from him. The Lord's answer was no: "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)" There are some lessons that we cannot learn except through trial and tribulation.

The second lesson is closely related to the first. It is that even when the Lord chooses not to take a particular burden from us, He will give us strength to do what is required of us regardless of the burdens we may carry. When we submit cheerfully and with patience to the will of the Lord, the voice of the Lord can come to us in our afflictions, giving us hope, and strengthening us so that we can bear our burdens with relative ease. (The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24:12-15)

So I now prepare to turn in for the night. I still have feelings of exhaustion, sadness, and emptiness, to be sure. But I also know that one way or another, things are going to be all right. They may not be in the end what I want them to be right now, but they will be all right.