Get In Line!

My politically correct holiday greetings really generated some buzz. I got a couple of agreeable responses and the obligatory "Bah Humbug!" But the most interesting response was this:

What about all the other people out that aren't either one, by choice of course?

What do you mean, 'aren't either one'? Are you serious? This is America. We have a two party system here, have had for decades. That's the way we do it. 'Neither'? Not possible. You've got to be one or the other. Right wing nutjob or left wing nutjob, those are your options. And if you're somewhere in the middle, then pick a side and get the heck off the fence already.

So line up. You know the drill: Democrats on the left, Republicans on the right. It's where you belong, you know. Face it, if you're so far to the left that even the Kennedys can barely see you, you don't want to be a Republican. Conversely, if your political leanings put you somewhere between Ted Nugent and Attila the Hun, you already know you don't belong with the Democrats. What's the big deal?

You say you don't believe in what the Parties are doing? Well, pardon me for being so pragmatic, but does that have to do with anything? Pick one and go along. People do it all the time.

Let's say you're a tax-happy socialist with defeatist tendencies, but you still want your Republican friends (and campaign contributors!) to like you. No problem! Become a RINO. You can party with the right and still soothe your conscience with a trip to the left once in a while. Hey, if it's good enough for John McCain, it should be good enough for you!

But if you're a warmongering imperialist who'd rather stay the course than admit you might—might—have made a mistake, that doesn't mean you can't still be a Democrat. Join the new generation of Blue Dogs! You can be just liberal enough to party with the left, and still cater to the right from time to time. Everyone's happy, everyone wins!

And if none of this appeals to you, you still have this option: find the party (or person) you like the least, and join the other side. Are you convinced George W. Bush is, in fact, the great Satan? Then you're a Democrat. Do you think having a Clinton back in the White House will be the end of civilization as we know it? Could you BE any more Republican? Remember, the enemy of my enemy is my friend!

So there you have it. Forget all this talk about a 'broad political spectrum' and 'moderates' and 'purple'. No such thing. Right is right and left is left, and never the twain shall met.

Now, be good little sheep and get back in your boxes, okay?