This Conversation Never Actually Happened

I stopped at the local Red Box on the way to the hospital the other night to return a movie that Nancy had rented. When I arrived, there was a guy at the Box with his son picking out a movie. As I got out of the car, this SUV flew off the street into the parking lot and came to a sudden stop across rather than in the nearest available parking spot. The driver leapt from his seat, leaving the car running with a passenger inside. Seeing there was already someone there, he took up a spot as close to the machine as propriety would allow—and then began inching his way, none too subtly, closer to where the man and his son stood trying to pick out their video.

I remained where I was, anticipating a confrontation but determined not to let this guy bully me out of my place in line. As the fellow and his son continued to look through their choices, the other guy took out his phone and said to no one in particular, “I’m gonna check and see if I have any codes.”

About this time the man and his son made their selections and waited patiently as the Box delivered their two videos. They turned and left, and without hesitation I made my way to the box—in front of the other guy. He seemed none too happy and asked, “What makes you think you get to go first?”

“Four things,” I said. “One, I was here first. I know this because I was actually getting out of my car while you were still parking.

“Two, it’ll take me thirty seconds to return this video. You don’t even know what you’re doing yet if you’re still checking your phone for promo codes.

“Three, you don’t get to go first just because you stand closest to the Box. What are you, six? How about a little privacy?

“And four, that is the worst parking job I have ever seen, and living in Utah for the past twenty years, that’s saying something. I can only assume that your passenger’s name is Katrina, because that parking job is a disaster.

“Now, in the thirty seconds I’ve just spent explaining this to you, I could have been done and gone already, and you could be choosing your movies. So just let me get on with it, and don’t bother me anymore, please.”

And with that, I returned my video in silence.