The Dance

So it's been nearly twenty-four hours now since I learned of the finalization of the divorce proceedings. I've had a night to sleep on it and a day to think about the implications. I've made the news public, both here and in an e-mail form letter to those close to me who don't generally read this forum. The end has come. I've acknowledged the fact; I've known for a while that it was coming. But I don't know that I've entirely come to grips with it yet.

I'm not sure yet just how I feel about everything. On the one hand, there is still a profound sense of loss and disappointment. Things were so good for so long, or so I thought. Then things went bad so fast that I wasn't aware at the time what was happening. I've been able to look back over the last eight months or so, and I have begun to see some of what I could have done differently. I would love to have those chances back, but I know that's never going to happen. Nor should it. Going back would be regressing, and I know that.

I feel a great sense of futility. We went through so many unique experiences over the three years or so that we were together. So many special times, so many poignant feelings, so many once-in-a-lifetime memories—all shot to Hades now. Three years of my life negated by a decision I couldn't see coming and was powerless to stop once it was made.

And I feel anger, and a sense of having been betrayed. For the first time, I felt I had really found someone I could really open up to, someone with whom I could let my defenses down without fear. It felt wonderful, and I was determined to do whatever I could to preserve that feeling. I tried to do all I knew how to do to make things work. I tried to be responsive to suggestions and to unfulfilled needs she expressed to me. And I knew that she was trying to do the same. But one day, I guess she decided it wasn't worth the effort any more and just gave up. She told me she was going to a friend's place for a few days to clear her mind. She didn't bother to tell me that she didn't intend to come back once she left. She couldn't be bothered to tell me what she thought was wrong until she'd been gone for a month. Yes, I feel betrayed, used, set up. How could I feel otherwise?

But on the other hand, I feel a certain sense of relief and resolution. Closure is important, and I have read that it is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. The uncertainty of the last several weeks is past now, and that's no small comfort. I know where I stand now, and I can start plotting a new course for myself.

And as much as I hate to say it, there is also a sense of relief that I no longer have to live with the criticism, the disappointment, and the indifference that marked the last three months of our time together. As hindsight is 20/20, I can see now the profound changes in her attitudes and behavior that started around the beginning of this year. Somehow, the beautiful spirit of the girl I married seems to have died sometime between last Christmas and Valentine's Day. I tried to be tolerant of the changes, but I can't say how living with the person who took her place would have affected me. I have to admit that I'm glad I'll never know the answer to that question now.

So, to answer the question that a couple of you posed, is last night's development a good thing or a bad thing? It seems to me that it is rare for any event to be completely good or completely bad. It is what you make of it.

When I was a missionary in West Virginia, a prominent member of the ward died suddenly while on vacation. His death left a big hole in the lives of a lot of people. Close to 800 people attended his funeral. At the funeral service, one of the speakers, a close friend of this man, said something profound: “Now that Roger is gone, things can never be the same. That can mean one of two things: if things can never be the same, they will either be worse or they will be better.” I have never forgotten that, and I believe it now.

The event itself has elements of both the good and the bad. Whether the good outweighs the bad or vice versa is beside the point. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing will ultimately be up to me.

I suppose it's rather ironic that I have Garth Brooks' The Dance playing on the stereo right now. In a lot of ways, the chorus sums up my feelings right now:

  I'm glad I didn't know
  The way it all would end
  The way it all would go
  Our lives are better left to chance
  I could have missed the pain
  But I'd have had to miss the dance

And my life would have been less than it is today had I missed the dance.