Last Post from This Location

I really should be packing right now. I'm moving in just under 18 hours, and so this is probably the last post that will originate in my current location. I should have phone service back by tomorrow evening (yes, I'm one of those throwbacks who still has dial-up), so I may put up something then.

By the way, I hate moving. I hate packing, I hate cleaning up, I hate the fact that I've been doing laundry all freakin' day, I hate sorting through things and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of, and I hate the sight of cardboard boxes where my life used to be. Mostly I hate having to change my routine: finding new bus routes, changing utilities, getting used to sharing a place with someone I'm not married to again. Yuck.

Okay, back to packing. I've almost got both bedrooms done, and I think the bathroom is probably next. Lovely.

The Latest Quiz Results

Your CD collection is almost as big as your ego,
and you can most likely play an instrument or
three. You're a real hit at parties, but you're
SO above karaoke.
What people love: You're instant entertainment.
Unless you play the oboe.
What people hate: Your tendency to sing louder than
the radio and compare everything to a freaking
song.


What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have to admit, however, that I cheated. In taking the quiz, I could see that some of the answers were clearly pointed toward musical elitism, so I purposely steered away from them. I ended up as a book/language snob...which I suppose is probably true enough, although I don't consider myself well-read enough to be a true literary elitist.

So I went back and answered the questions honestly, and I'm a music snob. Sue me.

The Fine Art of Smack

While I am generally opposed to all the showboating that goes on in the world of sports, I do occasionally appreciate some good trash-talking. Take Larry Bird, for example. He was a master of the art. Before the 3-point shooting contest one year, he reportedly asked the rest of the competitors, "Okay, who's playing for second?" What made this a special gem was the fact that he then went out and won the contest easily. I believe it was Dizzy Dean of my mom's Cardinals who said, "It ain't braggin' if you can back it up."

Having said all that, I saw this weekend what I consider one of the great smack-talking episodes of recent years. And best of all, the guy didn't have to say a word. On Sunday afternoon in Paris, Lance Armstrong claimed his record sixth consecutive Tour de France victory. In addition to wearing the familiar yellow jersey, Lance also wore a gold-colored helmet and rode a gold- plated bicycle. That's right, his bicycle was covered with 24-karat gold leaf. (Here's a picture of Lance on the bike; note the front spokes.)

If there's a better example of a good smackdown than riding into Paris on a golden bicycle, I haven't seen it.

Today's Quote:

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Joke of the Day

Heard this one at work tonight.

Where would you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.

Music of the Moment

Wednesday afternoon as I was going to class, I was listening to "Prison of Desire" by After Forever, which I've heard described as ethereal gothic metal. Last night after work I listened to " Magnification" by quintessential progressive rock band Yes. And right now I'm listening to a CD my brother Sam introduced me to: "Soul Gravy" by Cross Canadian Ragweed, which might be called alternative country.

I don't know whether this means that I'm embracing musical diversity or that my musical tastes are starting to go schizoid. It's fun either way.

I Would Take This Class

Okay, if you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm a geek. One of two magazine subscriptions I currently carry is to Popular Science, and I found a beauty of an article in the FYI section of the August 2004 issue.

The University of Central Florida is offering a class called Physics in Films. The professors, Costas Efthimiou and Ralph A. Llewellyn, use popular movies as a means of teaching scientific principles.

For example, the movie Armageddon is one common subject. The professor teaches the students about conservation of energy, conservation of momentum, and the effects of nuclear weapons. Using this background information, he then explains to the students why a single nuclear weapon could never produce a powerful enough explosion to deflect a Texas-sized asteroid away from a planet almost 8,000 miles wide. The math suggests that what would really happen is that the asteroid would indeed be split in half (as in the movie), but that the end result would be two asteroids, each about half the size of Texas, hitting the Earth simultaneously about 400 meters (or about 1/4 mile) apart. Ouch.

Professors Efthimiou and Llewellyn made a couple of interesting observations. The first is that a lot of people in America don't know the answers to some fairly basic scientific questions: how long does the Earth take to go around the Sun, did dinosaurs and humans ever live on Earth at the same time, and so on. The second is that students seem to enjoy movies with bad science more that those with better science. For example, Deep Impact, which has "superior physical realism", almost always scores lower with students than Armageddon.

Professor Efthimiou also plans to look at The Core in an upcoming class. His initial assessment: "I don't think Hollywood will ever make a movie that has worse science than this one."

References:

Moyer, M. Popular Science. August 2004, pp. 86-88.

Redneck Moment

On the train home from work last night, I saw a woman having a Jeff Foxworthy moment:

"If you wear a dress that's strapless with a bra that isn't . . . you might be a redneck!"

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if hot pink hadn't been involved.

Hey, I'm the first to admit that I've had my share of 'redneck' (defined as "a glorious absence of sophistication") moments, but I'm sure glad I'll never have to worry about that particular gaffe.

Republicans and Democrats

I've received this a few times over the past several days. This is the version I like best.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground at an elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. For all your talk, you haven't done anything to solve the problem."

The man smiled and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're still in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

No wonder politicians can never accomplish anything is this country.

Utah Drivers

Okay, here's the rant I promised about Utah drivers. Comedian Bill Engvall once observed that airline passengers seem to "check their brain with their luggage." I feel that drivers in Utah suffer from a similar condition. When they put the car in drive, they put their brain in neutral.

I know, everyone thinks that the worst drivers in the world live in their own area. (Ironically, we never seem to include ourselves among them. Hmmm....) Having lived and driven in a few different places, I have become convinced that Utah drivers are indeed the worst of the lot. Nevertheless, I don't consider this condition to be terminal (necessarily). With a little coaching and considerable effort, I believe that Utah drivers can actually be transformed back into normal,
thinking human beings. Therefore, I present the following Suggestions and/or Rules for Utah Drivers as a public service. You're welcome.

1. Let us first consider the origin and meaning of the word 'driver'. It is a noun, derived from the verb 'to drive'; the '-er' suffix indicates that the word is descriptive of the person it names. In other words, if you are the 'driver' of a vehicle, your job is 'to drive'. In fact, it is the entire reason that you are in the vehicle - not to scarf down breakfast, not to apply your makeup, and not to chat with the kids in the back seat, but to drive. Once you understand this, the rest becomes much easier.

2. For the love of all that is good and holy, hang up that cell phone. Unless you're a nuclear physicist and you're talking someone through an emergency reactor shutdown, your conversation is not so important that it needs to take place at 65 miles per hour. (I admit, it is at least theoretically possible that I'm wrong about this. But I'm not.) And if for some misguided reason you think your conversation is that important, it still doesn't need to take place at 65 miles per hour. Pull off to the side of the road and say what you need to say. It's a better conversation for you, and it's a heck of a lot safer for us.

3. That strange, stick-shaped protuberance jutting out from the left-hand side of your steering column is called a 'turn signal'. Learn to use it. We're not mind readers here.

4. Okay, so you have an SUV. Good for you. That doesn't mean that the laws of physics no longer apply to you when it starts to rain or snow. Slow down.

5. The yellow and white lines painted on the road are there to define lanes. Pick one. No, really, a single lane is enough for anybody.

6. Yeah, about that....if you're not traveling faster than (or even as fast as) the vehicles in the right-hand lane, there is no reason for you to be in the left-hand lane. Move over already.

7. If you look in the mirror and see a car coming up fast on your left, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass you. This is not a signal that you need to speed up. Just let the other driver pass you. It's not a race.

7a. If you're stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle on the freeway and the car behind you moves into the left lane and accelerates, that means that the other driver is preparing to pass both you and the slow-moving vehicle in front of you. Do not suddenly pull out in front of him. Just let him pass you. Yes, you can try to pass the slow-moving vehicle in front of you, but the other driver gets to go first. That's his reward for figuring out that he needed to pass before you did. Don't get mad at the other driver for being smarter than you are. It isn't his fault.

8. Unlike Cheerios spilled by children in church, there is no 'three second rule' for red lights. A red traffic light means "Stop" . . . as in "now", as in "yes, you."

9. A yellow traffic light should be interpreted to mean, "The light is going to change to red very soon, so stop if you can do so;" not as, "Go ahead and punch the accelerator...you've got those three extra seconds, you know."

10. Almost all sighted human beings are gifted with peripheral vision that allows them to see in an arc of about 120°. Unfortunately, this does not appear to apply to Utah drivers, who don't seem to see anything unless it's directly in front of them. This must change.

11. "Mormon Standard Time" is no excuse for driving like a psychopath. Don't expect the rest of us to get out of your way just because you're running late. Try setting your alarm clock a little earlier next time.

12. "Tailgating" is an activity that should be confined to the parking lot at the stadium of your favorite sports team. If you can see the look of panic on the face of the driver in the rear-view mirror of the car in front of you, you're too close. Back off. Your insurance company will thank you.

13. Contrary to the prevailing opinion, there is nothing wrong, legally or morally, with driving at the speed limit. Some people don't have the reflexes to go 80 all the time (including a lot of people who do go 80 all the time, incidentally), and some people are so destitute that they just don't want to risk getting a speeding ticket. That's okay. There's no need to tailgate them, flash your lights at them, shout obscenities at them, or try to drive them off the road. Just pass them and get on with your life.

14. No, you don't get extra points for pedestrians, bicycles, scooters, or motorcycles. They're not targets placed there for your amusement. They're just people trying to get from Point A to Point B the same as you are. Share the road.

15. If you have to swerve across three or more lanes of traffic to get to your off-ramp, you're not paying attention. All freeway exits are labeled at least half a mile in advance. That means that at freeway speeds, you have between 24 and 33 seconds (do the math) to get into position for your exit. That's more than enough time for anyone with an IQ higher than room temperature. Thinking ahead: you really should try it sometime.

16. Common sense dictates that small children should be in car seats in the back seat. People who hold small children on their lap while they drive have no business reproducing.

17. When all else fails, try to use your brain just a little bit when you get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. For example, when someone honks their horn at you, it's probably because they think you're driving like an idiot. And if you're a typical Utah driver, you probably are. Instead of flipping them (and their children) the Utah Freeway Peace Sign, try thinking about what you might be doing that the other driver finds objectionable. Then stop doing it. Yes, the Golden Rule even applies on the highway.

Okay, I suppose that's enough instructive material for now. I wouldn't want to give anyone sensory overload, after all.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone here -- unless it has motivated someone out there to start driving sanely, in which case I'm glad to have been of service. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all just need to drive friendly. Remember, in the words of Red Green, "We're all in this together."

A Weekend Away

I made the drive back to Johnstown for the 4th of July holiday weekend. It was an interesting trip, with both ups and downs. Here are some of the more notable of each.

Downs:

Making the trip alone. I thought my days of solo road trips were over. I suppose they were, just not permanently.

Southern Wyoming. Three hundred and fifty miles of nothing interesting whatsoever. I've made the drive through the monochromatic wasteland that is I-70 so many times that I can practically do it in my sleep. Not a good thing when you're already tired (see below).

Back trouble. I wrenched my back on Thursday morning, which made the four-day weekend not as enjoyable as I'd have liked. I'm sure I wasn't as much fun as the family would have liked, either. Muscle relaxers will do that to me.

"Why aren't you married anymore?" After about the fifth time my niece asked me this, I got annoyed and said, "I've already told you. Please don't ask me again." Okay, I know she's only four; I know her parents are divorced and she's just trying to figure out what this whole marriage thing is about. I should have been more patient. I guess I was just annoyed that almost five months into this thing, I'm still not sure I know the answer to that question myself. I‘m not sure I ever will.

Family politics. A couple of my family members aren't on speaking terms right now, so I wasn't able to see the whole family at once. Mostly I just heard them complaining (separately) about one another. Too much anger, too much pride, too much fear of admitting that they might be to blame for the situation. Maybe one day they'll figure out that what's right is more important than who's right. Yeah, right.

Utah drivers. More on (moron?) them in a later post. >evil chuckle<

Ups:

Seeing the family. Even in less than ideal circumstances, it's great to see my family. I know they'll always be there for me, and being with them helps me to put aside my own problems for a little while.

Seeing Derek. We talked about all kinds of things, from comic books to movies to old friends to academics to future plans. We reminisced well into the small hours, something we get to do all too infrequently anymore. And as an added bonus, we discovered that for the first time in our quarter-century of friendship, we have the same haircut.

Fireworks. From the driveway of the Homestead, we could see fireworks from Greeley, Loveland, Fort Collins, Longmont, Johnstown, Platteville, and all around Weld and Larimer counties. And we could see them without nineteen thousand other people getting in the way.

Highway 40. I decided to take a few extra hours and make the drive westward via the scenic route. And it was quite scenic! Even the sagebrush is prettier there than in Wyoming (green foliage and red soil as opposed to green-brown foliage and brown dirt). It was well worth the extra time and distance. I did get a bit freaked out over Rabbit Ears and Berthoud Passes (due to this little fear of heights I've picked up somewhere), but even then the scenery was exquisite.

My rental car. I got it cheap - $16 bucks a day plus taxes and fees on Priceline - and it was a great car. It averaged almost 33 miles per gallon for the trip and was large enough to seat me comfortably, even with my back being fussy.

Maybell, Colorado. I live in downtown Salt Lake City - which admittedly is a far cry from East L.A. - so I'm used to locking my car every time I get out of it. I made a pit stop in this little town, and one of the locals, on seeing me lock up the rental, smiled and said, "You probably don't need to worry about that in Maybell." And I believed him. I wonder if they're going to need a chemistry teacher there in the next few months...?

The nieces. Yes, even when they're asking tough questions or trying to convince me that I really don't need to take a nap, they're more fun than a barrel of monkeys. They're the greatest. I wish I could see them as often as I'd like to.

Highs in the low 80's. It's 10:00 pm in Salt Lake City right now, and it's still 83 degrees outside. Yes, I know it was my choice to move to the middle of the barren desert for school, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Barbeque. With all due respect to the vegetarian(s) in my life, there's just nothing like a steak grilled by someone who really knows how to cook over charcoal.

Finally, just getting away. Rental car: ~ $100. Gas: $60. Food and snacks for the road: $35. Four days away from work, physics, and trying to find a new apartment: Priceless.

Just Humour Me....

You are Melancholy. Melancholics are often gifted,
even prone to genius. You are deep and
thoughtful, but this can lead to your being too
introspective, to the point of moodiness and
depression when you find flaws within your
self. You strive for perfection in all things,
most especially your self and your immediate
world. You are sensitive to the needs of
others, and loyal to your friends, but can be
hard to please. Melancholics do well in the
Arts, science, and math.


Which of the Humours are you?
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Yes, I suppose this does describe me pretty well. Incidentally, I'm listening to Beethoven right now, and if anyone was ever a Melancholic, it was Ludwig. Rather ironic.