All Now Mysterious...

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Saturday Morning Memes

Part I: Friday's Feast
Friday's Feast for Friday, 27 April 2007:

Appetizer How fast can you type?
I've been clocked at between 30 and 35 word per minute. Woo-hoo!
(My mother could type ~100 wpm—on a typewriter!—back in the day. I couldn't type 100 wpm if I'd had 23 double espressos.)

Soup What is your favorite online game?
I don't play a lot of games online, but one that I've discovered recently is HandDrawnGames.com's Desktop Tower Defense game. WARNING: This game is seriously addicting. Once you start playing, you'll be shocked at how fast it eats up your time.

Salad On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 as highest), how intelligent do you think you are?
This is going to sound really conceited, but I'm going to say 9. I say this because out of every ten people I meet, I think maybe one of them might be as smart as I am.

Main Course Name three of your best teachers from your school years.
Mr. Hess (Geometry, Trigonometry, Pre-calculus, and Cross Country coach)
Mr. Palmer (Chemistry, Advanced Chemistry, Physics, Computer Science)
Mr. Switzer (Middle school science)
(Ms. Schulz (English, Research) gets an honorable mention for teaching me how to write a really good paper. But she scared me. Just a little.)

Dessert What are your plans for this upcoming weekend?
We have to do some cleaning in the bathroom, kitchen, and possible the office this morning. Then we're headed to the Temple this afternoon and the usual church meetings tomorrow morning. I think we're also going to try to get out for a good walk or two. So basically a relaxing, low-stress weekend.

--

Part II: Top 5 On Friday
Top Five on Friday from The Music Memoirs:

Top 5 classic rock songs that are a classic annoyance to your ears.

» "Crazy On You" by Heart
I like most of Heart's stuff, but this song bugs me. I'm not really sure why.

» "Benny and the Jets" by Elton John
This song just starts out boring and refuses to get any better. A definite yawner.

» "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin
Jerky and repetitive, this may be the most monotonous song in the history of rock, with the possible exception of George Harrison's "Got My Mind Set On You". I can't listen for more than about 30 seconds. Fortunately, there's little reason to.

» "Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen
I've never been a big fan of Bruce's work. Sure, he may be a great lyricist, but his grating voice makes it impossible for me to listen long enough to decide. Disciple of Dylan, perhaps?

» "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds
Yes, I heard this song on the classic rock station a few weeks ago. When did Simple Minds become classic rock?

It was actually pretty hard to come up with that many. I like the large majority of what I hear on our local classic rock station, 103.5 The Arrow. Classic rock rules!

Friday, April 27, 2007

From My Inbox

Got these two thoughts in via e-mail today:

The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

...For Very Large Values of 1

I was introduced to the following 'proof' years ago. It's become a favorite to share with algebra classes.

a = b
a2 = ab
a2 - b2 = ab - b2
(a + b)(a - b) = b (a - b)
(a + b) = b
(b + b) = b
2b = b
2 = 1


While the result is obviously wrong—one is not equal to two, even for very large values of one—the steps seem logical enough. Justifications for each step are as follows:

1. Define a and b to be equal to each other.
2. Multiply both sides by the same thing (a).
3. Subtract the same thing (b2) from both sides.
4. Factor both sides.
5. Eliminate a common factor (a - b) from both sides.
6. Replace a on the left side with b, since they were defined in step 1 to be equal.
7. Express the sum (b + b) as a product (2b).
8. Eliminate a common variable (b) from both sides.

Looks sound enough, except for that one nagging little detail—two is still not equal to one.

A No-prize to the first person who can tell me specifically where and/or how this 'proof' breaks down.

Edit:
Wendy gets the No-prize:

Removing the common factor in step five, (a-b) is removing the zero...

Specifically, it's removing the zero by division. And dividing by zero (like traveling faster than light or electing third-party candidates) is something you just can't do.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Introducing...Me

Stolen from Cindiana Jones:

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Long Boring Travelogue Post

Today is April 21st, 2007. It's our first anniversary.

We've spent most of the last week celebrating the milestone. When we got married, I really wanted to take Nancy to Disneyland for our honeymoon. She'd never been there, believe it or not. Alas, she was in school with finals rapidly approaching, and other logistical things just didn't work out. So we went to Park City for the weekend, then returned to our normal lives.

This year, things were different. I got to take her to Disneyland. Here are some of the details.

Hotel California
Our Disneyland vacation started on Tuesday afternoon. I found a really good fare to SoCal on Jet Blue. We left Salt Lake City around 3:30 and arrived at the Long Beach airport at 3:55. (No, that's not a typo. Time zone change, remember?) We gathered our bags and caught a shuttle to the hotel in Anaheim. We checked in and got our room assignment, but found two small difficulties: first, the room had two queen beds instead of a king bed as I'd requested from the travel agency; and second, the door to our room was wide open when we got to it. That second part was more than a little disturbing. Who knows who could have gone in before we did and what they might have done? So we brought these issues to the attention of Oliver, the guy at the desk, and he promptly got us another room. Oliver was interesting. He was helpful, deferential, and extremely polite...to me. He never talked to Nancy, even when she was talking to him. He answered all of her questions with responses to me. We left a comment to that effect on the card when we left.

After getting established in the room, our thoughts began to turn to dinner. Nancy had picked up a 'local attractions' map from the hotel lobby and found a restaurant she said would be a lot of fun: Dave & Buster's. I'd never been to a D&B's before, so we caught a cab to The Block at Orange and made our way to the restaurant. It was a blast. We each got the Whiskey Glazed Mixed Grill combo, which included steak, chicken, ribs, and a $10 game card for $15.99. And rolls. For some reason, the rolls tasted really good that night, and we had them bring us some more. Anyway, after dinner, we played games. Nancy's a wiz at Skee-ball, and we also played a horse-racing game. Between the two, we (meaning Nancy, mostly) won enough tickets to get her a D&B T-shirt and some stickers for scrapbooking.

Oh, and something else interesting happened at D&B's. We got carded. This will probably sound strange, but I can't recall ever being carded before. Really. Granted, I haven't spent a lot of time at bars and dance clubs, but still. It was a little strange.

From dinner we made our way back through The Block, stopping briefly at the Big Dogs store to pick up a couple of T-shirts:

Great shirts for a vacation, don't you think?

The cab brought us back to the hotel, where we took advantage of the pool and the hot tub. After half an hour or so of swimming and soaking we returned to our room and called it a night, dreams of the Magic Kingdom filling our heads.

We're Going to Disneyland!
The hotel accommodations included a voucher for two Park Hopper passes, which would allow us to go between the Disneyland and California Adventure parks at will over the next three days. We packed our cameras and some treats, sprayed on the sun screen, bought a pair of 3-day shuttle passes, and headed up Harbor Boulevard to the parks. On the shuttle we met a lady with a broken ankle. When we got to the park we helped her off the shuttle, for which she and her family were very appreciative. Then we took our voucher to the ticket office and got our passes. When I mentioned to the lady at the window that this was Nancy's first visit, she gave her an official Disneyland "First Visit" button. It was a nice touch.

Then came the line to get into the park. It was still pretty early in the day, so the line at the front gates was about 50 yards long. As we made our way toward the back, we heard a familiar voice from about halfway up the line. It was the lady with the broken ankle, and seeing us, she was saying to her family, "There are your cousins! Tell them to get in line over here with us!" So we joined her. She thanked us again for helping her off the shuttle, and we thanked her for saving us fifteen minutes in line.

After getting a few pictures of Nancy with various Disney characters, we started riding the rides. We started by getting a FastPass for Space Mountain, which was closed for renovation the last time I was at the park. With future tickets in hand, we checked out some other rides. Nancy's first ever Disneyland ride was Star Tours. (And let me just say, droids really shouldn't be piloting Starspeeders.) Then we rode Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters, followed by a ride on the Matterhorn. By then it was time to return to Space Mountain, which was as much fun as I remembered. After a quick bite of lunch, we went to the world (in)famous It's A Small World ride. We had jokingly threatened to call Nancy's mom while we were on the ride so she could hear the song. She told us thanks, but no thanks. So naturally Nancy called her as we got on the ride. And about 30 seconds after Nancy got off the phone, I called her too. Wacky fun. By the way, did you know that the Small World ride lasts almost 20 minutes? Well, now you do.

At this point we needed a rest, so we rode the Disneyland Railroad around the park a couple of times. We finally got off at the Toon Town Station, and after a quick stop to see if we could get pictures with the princesses, we made our way south to Adventureland. We picked up a FastPass for Thunder Mountain, then took in the Haunted Mansion and the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. (By the way, if you've ever wanted the lyrics to the Pirates song they play during the ride, here you go. Really bad eggs!) After that, we just had time for a ride on the Indiana Jones And The Temple Of The Forbidden Eye ride before the parade started.

We watched the Year of a Million Dreams parade, and Nancy got a lot of good pictures for her upcoming scrapbook project. At that point, we both agreed that it was time to go home. We went back to the shuttle pick-up point and waited something like half an hour for our transportation to show up. This was bad only because it had become cold and windy by then, and we were both wearing shorts. But we made it back to the hotel, ordered a pizza, and settled in for the night.

The Morning After
Neither of us felt very will that next morning. Nancy had started feeling ill the night before, no doubt exacerbated by the chilly wind we had to stand in for so long. And I was just feeling beat. So we slept in. I woke up before Nancy did, which is pretty much the norm, so I got showered and dressed for the day. With Nancy still getting some much-needed rest, I plugged in my computer and quietly took advantage of the hotel's free wireless Internet service. Once Nancy awoke we watched a couple of episodes of Scrubs on the laptop's DVD player. Then Nancy got cleaned up, and we went to lunch.

I don't know how many of you have eaten at the Rainforest Cafe, but if you haven't, you should. We went to the restaurant at Downtown Disney. The food was great, and the ambience was excellent. After a BBQ chicken pizza for her, steak and chicken fajitas for me, and T-shirts for both of us, we caught the monorail back into Disneyland. We spent only a few hours in the park this time, with highlights including the Enchanted Tiki Room, the Jungle Cruise, another ride on the Pirates of the Caribbean (which lasts about 15 minutes, by the way), and a visit to Mickey's Toon Town, where we rode Roger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin and Gadget's Go Coaster. By that time the park was about to close, and we were ready for another round in the hot tub. So we returned to the hotel for our final night's stay.

And Speaking Of Rain...
We awoke Friday Morning to find that it had rained overnight. Upon closer examination, I realized that it was still, in fact, raining. No matter. Of course we were still going to the parks for the last day of our vacation. What do you think we are, a couple of lightweights?

After availing ourselves of the hotel's excellent continental breakfast, we packed up our stuff and checked out. Leaving our bags in the hotel's custody until our airport shuttle would come pick us up, we returned to take in the other park, Disney's California Adventure.

Our first ride was Soarin' Over California. For the unfamiliar, the ride is something like a cross between a ski lift and an IMAX theater. The first time I wet on this ride several years ago, it seriously freaked me out. With my fear of heights, I spent the first half of the ride trying to remember how to breathe. Then my rational mind successfully asserted itself, and I was able to enjoy/be amazed by the rest of the ride. This time there was none of the fear, just the amazement.

When we left, the rain had intensified a little. So we crossed over to a souvenir shop for Nancy to get a Mickey-embossed vinyl poncho. She talked me into getting one too—which consisted of her asking me repeatedly if I wanted a poncho, me telling her repeatedly that I didn't need one, and her ultimately buying me one anyway. And in the end, I'm glad she did. The rain got a lot worse before it got better.

We took in two more rides after that. The Grizzly River Run raft ride might seem like an odd choice for something to do during a torrential downpour, but it was a lot of fun. Usually it's one of the hardest rides to get on, especially when the weather is hot and sunny and people are looking for something wet to cool down with. Not so for us. There was no line whatsoever. We walked up and got right on the ride with no waiting. The other ride was one I hadn't been able to ride the last time I visited, because like Space Mountain, it had been closed. That was the park's big roller coaster, California Screamin'. And I have just one word for it: wow. Fast-moving and thrilling without being inordinately scary, I have to rate this as one of the best roller coasters I've ever been on. Probably the best, actually.

We had a moment of fun after we got off California Screamin'. People were congregated around a wall full of monitors showing pictures from our just-completed ride. A guy and two girls were looking at their picture, and the girls were teasing the guy a little because he looked scared in the picture. I'm not sure how we ended up in the conversation, but at one point, I told him, "Man, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you look like a little girl." Well, he did. He just shook his head sadly at me. I'll bet the girls reminded him of that all day long.

We were ready for something a little more sedate now, so we headed over to the "It's Tough to Be a Bug" show. Fun, a little scary, and a little stinky. Then we decided to be really brave and take on The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. I knew it was going to play on my above-mentioned fear of heights. And it did. It was the scariest ride of the week, hands down. But it was fun. Unlike the Sun Wheel, which I rode the last time I was there and swore I'd never, ever ride again. The reason? From the Wikipedia article we read: "The variation from the standard Ferris Wheel is that the 16 orange and purple gondolas are able to ride on interior rails so that they slide inward and outward with the centrifugal force of the wheel's rotational movement." In other words, the movement of the cars makes you feel like you're going to fly right off the wheel and into the lake. It scared me to death. Never again, I tell you.

We wrapped up our time at California Adventure by riding the Monsters, Inc. Mike & Sulley to the Rescue! ride and taking in a Jim Henson's Muppet*Vision 3D show. Then it was time for a late lunch/early dinner before returning to the hotel to catch the shuttle to the airport. So, not seeing anything else that grabbed our appetites, we returned to the Rainforest Cafe. After BBQ chicken pizza and chicken fried steak we headed for the shuttle pickup lot by way of the monorail. We said goodbye to everything as we glided above the park, reminiscing about how much fun we'd had over the past three days. Now the time had come to head home.

Long Beach, We Have A Problem
Our flight back to Salt Lake City was scheduled to leave at 7:45 Friday night. To get us there in plenty of time, the airport shuttle was scheduled to pick us up at the hotel between 5:00 and 5:15. When it became apparent that the resort shuttle wasn't going to get us back on time, I called to airport shuttle company to let them know what was going on. I told them we had been delayed at the park, but that we'd be back at the hotel by 5:20. They said they'd pass that on to the driver. We got back to the hotel at 5:15, got our bags back, and waited for the shuttle to appear.

And waited.

And waited some more.

About 5:40 I called the shuttle company to check on the status of our transportation. They put me on hold for a couple of minutes, then told me the driver was "5-10 minutes away". I thanked the lady for her help and hung up.

6:00 came around, and still we had no shuttle. So I called again, and after being pout on hold again, I got the same response: the driver will be there in "5-10 minutes". I told the guy that's what I'd been told 20 minutes before, and he said, "That's what dispatch just told me. That's all I can tell you." So we waited some more, growing increasingly anxious as the time passed by.

At 6:15 I called them back again, with little time or inclination for pleasantries. I explained to the first woman who answered that our shuttle was now a full hour late and that I didn't want to miss our flight. She put me on hold, and after a few minutes, someone else came on the line. So I gave them our information again and explained the situation again. He put me on hold again, then came back and gave me the whole "5-10 minutes" routine again. I let him know in a rather direct fashion that that answer wasn't good enough. I needed to know exactly when our shuttle was going to be here,and if he couldn't tell me that, then he needed to transfer me to someone who could. So I was put on hold. Again.

The lady that came on next was only marginally less unhelpful than the previous two agents. After giving her all of our information again, I told her that I was not happy with what had happened. She apologized and said she could have a shuttle to us in, you guessed it, "5-10 minutes". By this time, Oliver had called us a cab, because that was going to be the only way we'd have any shot at all at getting to the airport on time. So I told the lady we needed to cancel the reservation and get a refund. I also suggested that because of the runaround and the inconvenience (which was now bordering on panic) that the company had caused us, the refund needed to be for the full amount I had paid, and not just for that day's trip. She said she'd be happy to cancel the reservation but that she couldn't issue a refund. So she escalated me to someone else.

While all this was going on, the shuttle company called the hotel. An interesting three-way conversation ensued between the driver, Oliver, and Nancy. Apparently the driver had showed up at the hotel, and not finding us there, moved on to his other stops. There were just two problems with that. First, the driver never got out of the van, talked to the desk clerk, or made any kind of effort to see if his passengers were there. Second, he had arrived at the hotel to pick us up at 4:40—twenty minutes ahead of schedule.

So after being on hold for another few minutes, I got to talk to someone in the shuttle company's customer 'service' department. I was told that they would have to escalate the issue to their Quality Assurance department and that were unable to issue a refund for the service because the reservation was not cancelled at least two hours in advance. And I was told that the QA folks would need to contact me directly about the issue—in 3-5 business days. I was incredulous. I asked the guy on the phone, very calmly, I thought, "You're telling me that because your driver failed to pick us up, I have to wait 3-5 days to talk to someone about the possibility of getting a refund?" His response was that the QA folks were in the office from 9-5 Monday through Friday, and they would contact me next week. Un-be-fraggin'-lievable. Twenty-seven minutes on the phone with these bozos and no resolution whatsoever. That's almost half an hour of my life that I can never get back.

Yeah, it had become a bad day for me. Someone else is going to have a bad day 3-5 business days from now, I can assure you of that.

Fortunately, the cab had arrived by then, and momentarily we were on our way to the airport. On the way there I called the airline and told them of our predicament. The Jet Blue rep noted everything and told us that we should be okay. So we drove on and trusted in our cabbie to get us to the plane on time. And he did. We got there just as before they announced the preboarding procedure. Once we actually got to the airport, we got on the plane without incident.

Murphy's Law would dictate, of course, that once we actually got on the plane, it would sit on the tarmac for half an hour before actually taking off.

Nevertheless, we got back into Salt Lake only ten minutes after our scheduled arrival time. From there we picked up our bags, caught the shuttle back to the parking company where we'd left our car, and drove home. All told, we were in bed by midnight. And it was a good thing, too. It had been a tiring day, in a lot of ways.

Home At Last
And that brings us to the present. As I mentioned at the beginning, today is our first anniversary. We've spent a lot of the day just resting and hanging out together. As much fun as the last three days have been, it's kind of nice to have a day together with no obligations to the outside world. We'll go out to a quiet dinner at Sizzler later tonight, and we'll have to get some groceries before we turn in for the night. Beyond that, though, it looks like a quiet night for us, followed by a quiet day tomorrow.

And that pretty well wraps it up. We're both dog-tired, and our legs are a little sore from all the walking we've done. But we're happy and we're refreshed, and best of all, we're into our second year of being married now.

Life is good.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Ubuntu Ate My Laptop!

Ubuntu Linux uses an interesting distribution system. They give away 2-CD sets. One of these is an install CD, which allows you to input the operating system and several utilities on your computer. That's not really news. The other CD is called a "Live CD". This bootable disc allows you to test drive Ubuntu without erasing anything from your computer. It runs a little slower, but it gives you a pretty good feel how a specific computer will run under Linux (instead or Window$).

Unfortunately, I've not had a great deal of luck with Ubuntu. I tried to install Ubuntu on my old computer after it crashed, only to find that the installations couldn't partition the installed hard drive correctly to make it work. And on trying the Live CD version on my current computer, I couldn't figure out how to make it find my second hard drive, where I've got ~30 gig of music stored. So in both cases, I've stuck with Micro$oft, even buying Windows XP for the current machine. (And no, I have no plans to buy Vi$$ta, so don't even ask.)

Well, I recently tried the Ubuntu Live CD on my laptop. Everything seemed to be going fine, as it identified all the hardware and so forth. Then it moved on to the welcome screen. But it never quite go there. Yep, it locked up the system. And that presented a problem. When that sort of thing's happened to me before, I'd just reset the system. Alas, my laptop has no provision for a hard reset that I could find. The CD/DVD drive wouldn't open, even using the old paper clip trick. The machine wouldn't turn off, either, and of course unplugging it had no effect. Yeah, I was pretty stressed.

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I let it sit on the kitchen table, unplugged, while I ran some errands. By the time I got back a few hours later, the battery was completely dead. I plugged the computer back in, started it up, and ejected the disc before the system could boot. Back to normal.

Several friends of mine have raved about Ubuntu. I have no idea why I'm having such problems with it.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Old New Music

When we brought Granny's car back from Montana after her funeral in December, it had a top of the line sound system in it. Given that the car is a 1990 model, that meant a high-end cassette player. As I've been driving it around, I've been using a portable CD player with a car kit to listen to music. When my CD player went on the fritz, though, I turned to a rather unusual solution to my music needs. No, not the radio...cassette tapes.

You remember cassettes, right? Little plastic cartridges with magnetic tape inside? I had a ton of them back in the day, though I've replaced almost all of them with CDs now. But in looking through my stuff, I found a whole carrying case full of mix tapes I'd made back in the day. Given that the last time I listened to cassettes regularly was when I still had Dad's old Pontiac 6000, 'the day' would have been about 1998-1999. So I took the case out to my car and began a weeks-long musical trip down memory lane. I heard a lot of songs I really like, but that for whatever reason, don't seem to be in my regular rotation anymore. So I made a list of some of the old favorites and made a mix CD. With a CD player in the car now, I can listen to these old favorites again. Here's the playlist:

"One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head
"Fantasy" by Aldo Nova
"Hannah Jane" by Hootie and the Blowfish
"She's So High" by Tal Bachman
"Uninvited" by Alanis Morisette
"Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey
"Only the Mountains Know" by Cherie Call
"Runaway" by Damn Yankees
"A Love So Beautiful" by Roy Orbison
"Do You Believe In Love?" by Huey Lewis & the News
"Last Night" by Traveling Wilburys
"Smooth" by Santana with Rob Thomas
"Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan
"She's A Beauty" by The Tubes
"Calling America" by ELO
"A Touch Of Your Hand" by The Nylons
"Eyes Like Twins" by Wilson Phillips
"Miles Away" by Winger
"Ghost of Stephen Foster" by Squirrel Nut Zippers

Ah, the memories...

Friday, April 13, 2007

Double Feature Friday

Part I: Friday's Feast
Friday's Feast for Friday the 13th of April, 2007:

Appetizer When you were a child, which crayon color was your favorite?
I really don't recall. There's a pretty good chance it was green, though, so that's what I'm going to go with.

Soup On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest), how likely would you be to change jobs if it required you to move?
Probably 8½-9. We love where we are right now, but for the right job, I think we'd be willing to go just about anywhere.

Salad Take all the numbers in your birthday and your phone number and add them up, one by one. What’s the total?
Assuming (xxx) xxx-xxxx and xx/xx/xxxx formats for phone number and birthdate, 74.

Main Course Have you ever “re-gifted” anything? If so, what was it and who did you pass it on to?
Yes, I'm a little ashamed to admit that we re-gifted a fruitcake that a friend had sent me home to Colorado with. We gave it to our neighbors across the road.

Dessert Name something you need from the store.
I need a new pair of shorts for our trip next week. "What trip," you ask? Stay tuned for more details....

--

Part II: Top 5 On Friday
Top Five on Friday from The Music Memoirs:

Top five cheesiest and / or worst lyrics ever written
Note: I'm choosing not to include the works of artists who intentionally write awful and/or cheesy lyrics as part of their art (e.g., Weird Al, They Might Be Giants, Barenaked Ladies, etc.).

»"MacArthur Park" (Written by Jimmy Webb, sung by Richard Harris)
MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!


What is this song even about?!

»"Revolution 9" (John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Number 9, number 9
Who's to know?
Who was to know?
Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9
Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9
Number 9, number 9
I sustained nothing worse than ...
Also, for example
Whatever you're doing
A business deal falls through
I informed him on the third night, when fortune gives...
People ride, people ride
Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride
Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9


John Lennon & Paul McCartney wrote some of the greatest songs in the history of rock.
This wasn't one of them.

»"If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body" by the Bellamy Brothers
If I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?
If I swore you were an angel,
Would you treat me like the devil tonight?


And 30+ years later this is still being used as a cheesy pick-up line.

»"Cheeseburger In Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett
Heard about the old time sailor men,
They eat the same thing again and again;
Warm beer and bread they say could raise the dead.
Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn.
But times have changed for sailors these days.
When I'm in port I get what I need;
Not just Havanas or banana or daiquiris,
But that American creation on which I feed!
Cheeseburger is paradise
Medium rare with mustard'd be nice
Not too particular, not too precise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.


Okay, so the lyrics aren't all that cheesy, but the subject matter is. Yum!

»"You Never Even Call Me By My Name" (Written by Steve Goodman, sung by David Allan Coe)
[spoken]
Well, a friend of mine, Steve Goodman, wrote this song and he said it was the perfect country and western song. I wrote him back a letter and told him that it was not the perfect country-western song because he hadn't said anything at all about Momma, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or getting drunk. Well, he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me and, after reading it, I realized that my friend had written the perfect country-western song, and I felt obliged to include it on this album. The last verse goes like this here:
[sung]
I was drunk the day my mama got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got ran over by a damned old train.

Cheesy? Yes.
Intentionally cheesy? Yes.
Cheesy to the point of being a satiric statement on an entire genre? Oh, yes.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

On my list of pet peeves, which list seems to grow longer all the time, one of the biggest is doing something nice for someone, then having them turn around and bite you in the butt for it. That's what happened this past week.

My idiot brother-in-law, B, has been having car problems. He bought a car a few months ago from a dealer in Bountiful under their "Fresh Start" program. It was of course a used car, and predictably, he's been having mechanical problems with it. Since his job requires him to travel as much as (or more than) mine does, he needed a car. And we happen to have three cars at the moment: Nancy's car, the Dreadnought, and Granny's car. So we lent him one. Twice. The first time there were no real problems. B agreed to help install a CD player in Granny's car in repayment, which he did last Saturday. The car was fixed, and he was able to pick it up from the dealer. So no problems...the first time.

A couple of days later, Nancy and I were visiting her Mom's house (yes, at the age of 30, B still lives at home) and noticed a puddle of some unidentified fluid under B's car. We made him aware of this, and he soon determined that the car had to go back to the dealer. I offered to let him use the Dreadnought until his car was fixed, for which he was grateful. We took him back home with us that night, and he took the Suburban back to his house. Again, so far, so good.

Nancy's Mom and sister went to visit family out of state, which is where the problems really started. B decided to borrow his Mom's car one day because he thought it might get better gas mileage. (Her car is also a Suburban, but a newer one.) The problem was that Mom had told him not to use her car because it had been having mechanical problems. Sure enough, it broke down in Parley's Canyon. B got a ride back to Salt Lake, then had a bit of inspiration: he could tow Mom's Suburban back to town with ours.

I would have been okay with that—if he had thought to ask if I was okay with it. But he just assumed it was okay—hey, he had the car, right?—and did it, and told us about it later. That bugged me a little and Nancy a lot. We talked to B about making sure to talk to us before doing anything out of the ordinary with our vehicle(s). We thought he heard and understood. He proved later that he did not.

Yesterday at work, Nancy got a call from B asking if she could take him up to Bountiful to pick up his car. Nancy was almost done with her lunch break, and even if she had only been starting, there's no way to get from her office to Bountiful and back in an hour. So she told him she couldn't do it then, but she'd be willing to do it after she got off work. B was apparently feeling impatient and asked about going to get his car and leaving the Dreadnought up there, to be picked up later. Nancy said (correctly) that I wouldn't want him to do that. He tried to talk her into it, but she refused to relent. Finally he just said he'd call her back later once he'd figured out what to do.

Fast forward to dinner last night at the Blue Plate Diner. We left to pick up some milk and other supplies at the local big box store. On the way, Nancy talked to her Mom on the phone. And her Mom mentioned that B had talked to her earlier and told her he'd got his car back. Nancy asked how he had done it. Guess what...B had, against Nancy's express instructions, picked up his car and left the Dreadnought sitting in a used car lot in Bountiful.

A phone call from myself to B quickly ensued:

B: Hello?
Me: Hello, B?
B: Hey, what's going on?
Me: B, where is my car?
B: [stunned silence] Huh?
Me: Where is my car?
B: [more stunned silence] Are you here?
Me: No, I'm not there. Where is my car?
B: Uh...
Me: Are you currently in possession of my car, or not? Because if you are not in possession of my car, we have a big problem.

I told him that I was upset at what he'd done and that he needed to have the Dreadnought back in our driveway by the time I got home from school the following day. He said that wasn't going to happen because...well, I don't know why it wasn't going to happen, because I cut him off and told him I didn't care what he had to do, he needed to get my car back to me if he wasn't using it. The conversation went on this way for another half-minute or so, until B hung up on me.

To his rather limited credit, B did call back. Eventually. When the phone rang and I saw who it was, I handed the phone to Nancy because I was too infuriated to talk to him. I heard her half of the conversation for the next 10-15 minutes, but I heard enough to pick up on his approach. He was making all kinds of excuses, such as "I have to go to Provo tomorrow and it's too expensive to take his car" and "I'm losing money on gas" and "Why does he (meaning me) have to be so rude and belligerent?" Nancy let him have it, and rightfully so, I thought, telling him how we felt he'd used us and lied to us. What it really came down to, she told him, was his selfishness and his lack of respect for us and for our property. And I agreed with that. The problem wasn't just that he'd left our car somewhere that he couldn't be responsible for it; it's that he'd done it after Nancy specifically told him not to do it—because it was more convenient for him.

As the conversation dragged on, I could tell that he was starting to understand our point (or maybe he was just starting to act like he was). I heard talk about "making things right". Finally Nancy handed the phone to me. I told him, "B, if you're really serious about making things right, you need to get that car back to me tomorrow. It doesn't need to be there by 4:00 (as I had initially insisted), but it needs to be back in our driveway tomorrow with at least as much gas as it had when you borrowed it. And I need a real apology from you. If you're serious about making things right, that's what needs to happen. If you can't manage that, then I expect you and I've not got a lot to talk about." And then I returned the favor from earlier and hung up on him.

What I expect will happen is this: B will roll in with the car late tonight, around 9:30 or 10:00. He'll make some cursory, transparent apology and immediately go into all the reasons and justifications for why he really didn't do anything wrong and why all of this is ultimately our fault and want to talk about it for half an hour (or until we agree that he's right). And I'll tell him I'm not interested in listening to his lame, self-righteous excuse for an apology. I'll thank him for getting the car back to us and send him on his way. Total conversation time will top out at just under a minute, I expect.

Either that, or he just won't show up tonight. There's a part of me that tells me that's really what's gong to happen, and that I'm going to have to put my life on hold for a couple of hours at some point and go get the car myself. If that's the case, he'd better not have left anything in the car that he doesn't mind being left unattended in a used car lot in Bountiful. Nos operor non fio iratus, nos pondera libra and all that.

This is the most frustrated I've felt in a long, long time. Frick.

You know what the worst part of this is? As I finished teaching the Priesthood lesson on Sunday, I took a look at what I'd be teaching next month. Imagine my joy as I recalled last night the title of chapter nine of Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball: "Forgiving Others with All Our Hearts". And that reminded me of the following wisdom from the Doctrine and Covenants:

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
(Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10)


Frick on a stick.

This Is Just A Test

One of my occasional duties as a substitute teacher is to administer exams. Over the past several months, I've developed a set of rules and suggestions that I share with classes on test day.

Mr. M's Rules (and Suggestions) for Tests

1. Do your own work.
Do not look at other people's tests, talk about test questions with other students, or share answers with other students. This is considered cheating. If you give me a reason to suspect that you're cheating, I'll put a big highlighter mark across your test paper, and you can discuss the consequences with your regular teacher.1

2. No talking while the test is in progress.
Math2 is hard enough already without adding a lot of distractions. So while people are taking the test, I'm going to ask you not to talk. Some of you will finish the test faster than others. Once you finish, feel free to read or to work on something else quietly until everyone is finished.

3. Make your answers easy to identify.
Something like a box or a circle around your final answer would be greatly appreciated. Don't make your teacher have to search for your answers.

4.Don't forget to put your name on the test.
If there's no name on the test, you don't get credit for it. It's that simple.

5. Read the entire test before you start working on any problems.
Take a minute to get an idea what kinds of questions or problems you have to answer. That way, you can focus on which problems to work on first and how long to spend with each. Which leads us to...

6. Pay attention to the time, and pace yourself.
You do not have to do the problems in the order they appear on the test. If you get stuck on a problem, don't feel like you have to finish that problem before you can do anything else. Skip it and move on to something easier. Then come back and work on the harder problem(s) later.

7. Draw a picture.
This is absolutely essential for physics and not a bad idea for any subject. A quick sketch, diagram, or outline can help you organize your thoughts and really see what information you have to work with and what you need to figure out.

8. Show your work.
In math and science, an answer alone isn't typically worth very much. The teacher needs to know how you got the answer. The process is as important as the result. In most cases, you can get partial credit for demonstrating that you have some idea what you're doing, even if you end up getting the wrong final answer.

9. Breathe!
When you get stressed out during a test, or when you're stuck on a problem, take a moment to calm down. Put your pencil down, close your eyes, and take a deep breath or three. Then start working again. You'll be amazed at how much it helps.

10. Check to make sure your answer makes sense.3
My favorite example: A student taking a physics test calculated the speed of a subatomic particle to be 2.4 x 1010 meters per second. He didn't stop to consider that the speed of light is only 3.0 x 108 meters per second. Since nothing travels faster than light, this answer is meaningless.
Another example: A student determined that $1000 deposited in a savings account at 7% interest would grow to $44,000 after three years. That answer clearly doesn't make sense. There is no bank in the world that would pay you $44,000 dollars on a $1000 investment after only 3 years. If you ever find a bank that pays that much, I'd love to know about it.

I usually write the first four on the board; these are my hard and fast rules for test day. The others are suggestions, and I'll share them as I feel inspired to do so.

So that's my bit on tests. Pencils ready, everyone!

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1 For the curious, I've only ever had to do this twice, and both instances were in the same class. I told the students a couple of times to quit talking to each other, and the didn't. So I put a big neon green mark across their tests, and they couldn't seem to understand why. Duh.

2 Or science, or whatever, the subject du jour might be.

3 This suggestion is not guaranteed to work in economics, quantum mechanics, or political science classes. Sorry.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Easter Funny

Early Morning Memes

The prefect cure for insomnia...

Part I: Friday's Feast
Friday's Feast for April 6th, 2007:

Appetizer When you travel, which mode of transportation do you prefer?
Flying is nice, but budget constraints usually won't allow this. So we usually drive. What I'd really love to do sometime is to tour the country by rail.

Soup Have you ever met a blogging friend in person?
I've actually met two of them. I met Cinderooski at the (in)famous MP19, where she was kind enough to introduce me to the music of the California Guitar Trio. I also met with the host of Chickeny Goodness and her family once to expedite a yuletide gift delivery.
It should also be noted that I've been friends with Dilliwag, Lord Mhoram, and Wendy for years. And Diesel 120 and I used to work together. Technically, I guess we sorta still do.

Salad When was the last time you were really, really tired?
Most of this past week, actually. I had mononucleosis a few years ago, and every so often, I feel like I've relapsed. That's how this past week has felt. Gotta love that Epstein-Barr virus!

Main Course If you could have dinner with any one fictional character from a book or movie, who would it be?
Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America. I'd like to hear his insights on how the fight against evil has changed over more than half a century. Plus, I'll bet he's got some really funny, embarrassing stories about some of his teammates (Tony Stark).

Dessert Fill in the blank: One day, I hope to see _____.
"...a poem lovely as a tree"?
Seriously, I hope one day to see children of my/our own. And sooner would be better than later. We're not spring chickens anymore, you know! (The man who married us actually told us this. It was pretty funny.)

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Part II: Top 5 On Friday
Top Five on Friday from The Music Memoirs:

This week's Top 5 is brought to you by Lord Mhoram.
Top five songs that are track #5 on the album.

»"Time Again" by Asia
From the album Asia

I'm convinced the band recorded this song just to show off. It features one of my favorite guitar solos by Steve Howe, and Carl Palmer's drumming is exceptional. Most impressive.

»"Ponies" by Jason Boland and the Stragglers
From the album Pearl Snaps

An homage to Johnny Cash's Ghost Riders in the Sky, this song tells the story from the viewpoint on someone the devil hasn't caught...yet.

»"Better Days" by Crenshaw
From the album Upside Down

Even the worst of days are better when you've got someone great to come home to.

»"The Big Medley" by Dream Theater
From the album A Change of Seasons

It is a big medley, performed live and featuring Pink Floyd's "In The Flesh", Kansas' "Carry On Wayward Son", Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody", Journey's "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'", Dixie Dregs' "Cruise Control", and Genesis' "Turn It On Again". And that's not even the best song on the album.

»"Quality Shoe" by Mark Knopfler
From the album The Ragpicker's Dream

It's rare that an artist can take an experience as mundane as buying a new pair of shoes and make an appealing song out of it.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Madness Is Over

Like many Americans, I've watched the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Tournament these past three weekends with some interest. Yes, I filled out a bracket. Two brackets, actually; one bracket based on what I thought would happen, and one based on what I would like to happen. For the past couple of years, I've submitted these at work in a contest. Since I'm not really working there at the moment, though, it was just for my own entertainment this year.

Here are the numbers:

Bracket A: (What I thought would happen)
First Round: 24/33
Sweet 16: 10/16
Elite Eight: 5/8
Final Four: 2/4
Semifinals: 2/2
Championship: 0/1
Totals: 43/65 (66%)

Bracket B: (What I wanted to happen)
First Round: 26/33
Sweet 16: 8/16
Elite Eight: 4/8
Final Four: 0/4
Semifinals: 0/2
Championship: 0/1
Totals: 38/64 (58%)

I started off pretty well on the 'B' bracket, but by the end of the first weekend I knew I was in trouble. I started a little slower in the 'A' bracket, but I did a better job of picking teams that would go deeper into the tournament.

Some of my mistakes:

Both Brackets: I didn't have Georgetown or UCLA in the Final Four in either bracket. I had UCLA losing to Pitt in Bracket A and to Weber State in Bracket B. Yes, I really wanted Weber to pull off one of the great upsets in tournament history, and it didn't happen. I had Georgetown losing in the Regional Finals in both brackets, to Texas and North Carolina, respectively.

'A' Bracket: I had Texas beating Southern Cal in the second round and ultimately winning the region. So that whole part of the bracket was screwed after the first week. And I thought Duke would win at least one game in the tourney. Same for Notre Dame, BYU, and Bob Knight's Texas Tech team.

'B' Bracket: Kind of like what I've already written, but worse. I had BYU in the Sweet Sixteen. Of course, that would have required them to win two consecutive big games away from Provo. What was I thinking? I also had Duke, Maryland, Virginia, and Texas A&M in the Elite Eight, and Kansas and Carolina in the Final Four. I guess I gave the ACC and the Big XII a little too much credit.

I typically hover between 50% and 60% on these things,so this year was better than average. Can't wait for next year!

And now, back to my regularly scheduled homework.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Color Me...


Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Monday's (Late) Feast

Check out the NEW Friday's Feast!

Appetizer What are you proud of?
I'm proud of the fact that when I thought my life was going to fall down around my ears (see Main Course, below), I managed to keep everything together and come out relatively unscathed.

Soup What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
I won a medal for placing 6th in the state in the discus my junior year in high school. That was pretty cool.

Salad Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Whatever it is, it probably involves the computer. Blogging isn't entirely a waste of time, since I use my blog as a journal. But over the past couple of weeks, I've been spending more time over at the Hero Games discussion boards. That's rapidly becoming a bigger time sink than I could really use right now. And if you want a real waste of time, check out the Desktop Tower Defense game. Complete waste of time, and doubly so because it's so addictive.

Main Course In what year of your life did you change the most?
2004. The Year of the Divorce.

Dessert Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
Walden, Colorado. There's a cabin not far outside of town that my family has rented sometimes. wonderfully peaceful and serene up there.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

April Fools' Day Funnies

In honor of the day, I'd like to share two of my favorite jokes with you. Enjoy!
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Three Men at the Gate
Three men and their wives were sitting at the Pearly Gates, waiting for their admission into Heaven. Saint Peter called the first man up to the desk. "So," he said, "tell me why you deserve to be admitted into Heaven."

"I was a friend to everyone," the first man replied jovially. "I loved people. When my friends had troubles, I was always there with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. Everyone loved me."

"Uh-huh," said Peter. "And how many of these 'friends' were people from the local pub? The fact is, the people never really mattered to you. All you ever cared about was the booze. You loved alcohol so much you married a woman named Brandy. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's place for you here."

So the man turned and walked out, in search of the escalator headed down, his wife at his side. Peter called the second man up. "Same question. Why do you feel you deserve to be in Heaven?"

"I was a great philanthropist," the man declared proudly. "I donated over ten million dollars to worthy causes in my lifetime. I helped finance hospitals, schools, homeless shelters, and free clinics. I used my money to make the world a better place for those less fortunate than myself."

"Right," said Peter. "That's admirable. The problem is, you only did it for the tax write-offs. You never gave away a cent unless it also benefited you somehow. And for every dollar you gave away, you spent hundreds on your own selfish desires and pleasures. The fact is that you were a greedy little money-grubber. You loved money so much that you married a woman named Penny. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's no place for you here either." So he, too, headed for the escalator, his wife at his side.

Then, before Peter could call his name, the third man stood, turned to his wife, and said, "Come on, Fanny, I can see how this is going to turn out."

--

The World's Best Blonde Joke
A blind man walked into a bar one night. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him to a barstool and got him a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word, there's something you need to know."

"What's that?" the blind man asked.

"There are five people besides you in this bar. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. There are two women sitting at the end of the bar. One is an off-duty police officer, and the other is a Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, and they're both blond. I'm six-foot-four, two hundred and sixty pounds, and I've got a third degree black belt in karate, and I'm blonde.

"So," the man concluded, "Are you sure you really want to tell that joke in here?"

The blind man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

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If you're curious, I also have a collection of some of the best e-mail funnies I've collected over the years. Take a look!