Ring Out, Wild Bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky
 The flying cloud, the frosty light.
 The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

I'm with you on that one, Mr. Tennyson. 2004 was a memorable year for me, and not for particularly good reasons. Let it die, and let's get on with the new year.

Upon reflection, I realize that:

On January 1st, I was happily married.
Today I'm back to being single.

On January 1st, I had a solid graduation date and a career teaching high school science in sight.
Today the fate of my academic career is in the hands of the appeals board in the bureaucracy that is the financial aid department.

On January 1st, I was financially secure.
Today I'm struggling to make ends meet with a part-time job, and I can't effectively investigate other employment options until I know what my school status is going to be.

On January 1st, everyone in my family was getting along just fine.
Today I have to be careful what I say about who to whom in the family or risk getting caught in the middle of a stupid argument.

On January 1st, I knew who I was and what my place in the world was.
Today I'm rediscovering and reinventing my identity.

Other than that, I suppose the year hasn't been too bad.^* I got to see a lot of my family, even if they weren't all together. I did get to see the nieces more than I have in the previous couple of years. I discovered a much more scenic route back to Colorado than I'm used to driving. I've reconnected with Curtis and Derek, and I'm closer to my brother Aaron than I've ever been. I got a promotion at work. And I've met some new friends.

Okay, so maybe the year wasn't a complete waste after all. But it's still good to have a chance to move on. Here's to a better 2005.

--

^* Which is a little like saying, "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

Final Feast

Friday's Feast

Appetizer Using only 5 words, describe how 2004 went for you.
Bring on the new year.

Soup Name something you did in 2004 that you'll probably never do again.
Get divorced, I hope.

Salad What did you learn about yourself in 2004?
I learned that there is no such thing in my life as cruise control. If I'm not actively trying to progress, I start to fall behind.

Main Course What notable news event from 2004 will stand out most in your memory?
The tsunami stands out right now, obviously, but what I'll probably remember most is the death of Neal A. Maxwell. He was one of my favorite General Conference speakers.

Dessert Name something you purchased in 2004 that you really, really like.
Days of Future Passed by the Moody Blues.

{Friday's Feast, 30 December 2004}

How Firm a Foundation

Author's Note: Latter-day Saints are encouraged to keep a journal. I have to admit that I've never been much good at it. But I have been able to use this forum for much the same purpose. At the end of each month, I print out the entries for the previous 30/31/28(29) days and add them to a notebook. It's not quite the same, because there are some things I just don't feel comfortable putting out there for the whole cyber-world to read. But it works for the present time.

The reason I mention all of this is so that readers will be aware that every once in a while, I'll post something just so that it will end up in print for posterity (if any). This entry is one of those.

--

I've been thinking recently about how I came to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (colloquially known as 'Mormons', or LDS). It was at about this time in 1981 that the whole process started.

Let me say at the outset that I was set up. That's right, set up, and I walked right into it. Consider:

I was a troubled eighth-grader in December of 1981. (Yes, I know, that makes me old. Shut up.) I had few friends, a foul mouth, and a hot temper. I didn't get along particularly well with my parents, especially my father. Because I was more intelligent than most of my classmates (that's just a statement of fact, not a boast), I was a reasonably good student--unless I was bored. And some of my classes were boring me terribly, so I was struggling a bit academically. I was, in short, troubled.

At that time, my grandmother lived in Ely, Nevada. She would frequently come to visit us during the holiday season. She would drive to Salt Lake City, then catch a plane to Denver, where we would pick her up at the airport. Then, when she needed to go home, we took her back to the airport.

That was basically the plan on this occasion, but with one difference. Between Christmas and New Year's Day, we were supposed to join Mom's side of the family in Montana for a small reunion. I wasn't entirely thrilled about going, because thirteen hours in a car across Wyoming was not (and still is not) my idea of a good time. But Granny had a suggestion. She asked if I would be interested in flying back to Salt Lake City with her, then driving up to Montana from there. I was interested--mostly because I had never been on an airplane. So I agreed, and when we went to the airport the day after Christmas (as I remember), I had a suitcase too.

We landed in SLC and got our luggage, and then Granny offered to show me around town. We drove up to the state capitol and around downtown. She pointed out a lot of things, and it was kind of interesting. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to Temple Square. I didn't really know what that was, but not having any other pressing engagements, I agreed.

I should interject at this point that I knew Granny was a Mormon. I knew that my Mom was one too, although we'd been to church maybe twice in my lifetime. But I didn't know a lot about the Mormon church. All I really knew was what I had learned in eighth grade history when we talked about the settlement of the American West. (Actually, given the ineptitude of that particular history teacher--he had taught us that an artist named Gogan [not Gauguin] had cut off his own ear--it's a wonder I knew anything at all.) So when Granny told me that Temple Square was a sort of visitor's center for the Mormon church, I didn't really know what to expect.

We took a guided tour that started in the south visitor's center. I saw a number of displays that talked about the Mormon pioneers' trek to Utah. I also got to see a rather strange construct that looked like a fancy water tank on the backs of a bunch of cows, all covered in gold. The tour guide explained that this was called a 'baptismal font', and that it was part of a great plan for families to be together forever. I wasn't sure what to make of that.

Then we went into the Tabernacle. The guide told us about the choir and a little of its history. Then they did a demonstration of the building's acoustics by tearing a sheet of newspaper and dropping three pins and a small nail. It was pretty cool.

We walked outside, and I saw a big granite building. I was just starting to get interested in D&D at that time, so I thought it looked like a castle. I asked Granny about it, but she said we couldn't go into that building. I couldn't understand why not. (It makes a little more sense now.)

Then we went into the north visitor's center and saw some more displays. The tour ended upstairs in a room that featured a large statue of Jesus. The walls and ceiling of the room were painted to look like a scene from outer space: stars, planets, nebulas, and the like. It was very impressive.

During the tour, the guide mentioned on several occasions a special book and a man named Joseph Smith. I had heard of him; I knew he had started the Mormon church. The guide said that Joseph Smith had given the world a book about Jesus and that this book could help people live happier lives. The guide also said that copies of this book were available for free, and that if anyone wanted one, all they had to do was ask.

As we were leaving the big room with the statue, Granny stopped to sign the guest book. So I decided to sign it too. I put down my name and address and a couple of forgotten comments. Then, as I recall, there was a small box in the lower right-hand corner that said, "Check here if you would like more information." So I did. I was curious, and I thought maybe they'd mail me a copy of that book or something else to read.

Then we left, got in Granny's car, and headed north, and I forgot all about it.

A couple of months later, in early March, it seems, I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework one night when there was a knock at the door. Standing there on the porch were two men in suits and ties and they wanted to speak to me. I had no idea who they were. FBI, CIA ... they could have been KGB, for all I knew. As it turned out, they were missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they had come to deliver the book I had requested. And I was thinking, "Book ... book? What book? Oh, that book." So Mom invited them in, much to the chagrin of my father, and I sat down with them at the kitchen table.

They explained that the book I had requested was called the Book of Mormon, and that it was a book that taught the gospel of Jesus Christ, much like the Bible. They told me about Joseph Smith and how he had translated the book from the records of a civilization that had lived for more than a thousand years in the western hemisphere. They pointed out a few passages in the book and asked if I would read them. I told them I would. Then they asked if they could come back and talk to me again. I said yes, after making sure it was okay with Mom.

Visits from the missionaries continued over the next several weeks, and eventually I started riding with a local family to church in Greeley. I found a congregation full of people who accepted me and seemed genuinely interested in befriending me. And I found a peace in my life that I couldn't remember ever feeling before. By the end of April, I was ready to join the church.

Not so fast, my father said. It must be said here that at that time, he was not a big fan of organized religion in general and Mormonism in particular. (So why did he marry one? Go figure.) He told me I needed to investigate some other options before committing to anything--Reverend Schroeder's local Lutheran church, for example, or the Methodist church that most of my few local friends attended. He also gave me a book to read, Bertrand Russell's Why I Am Not a Christian. He made me promise to do a little research into some other churches before joining any of them. So I did--promise, that is. But I didn't really look into any of them. Something inside me told me I had already found what I needed.

Eventually, Dad relented under the pressure of my passive resistance...or something like that. So the day came, and my uncle Cal, a convert to the church himself, came up to baptize me. I still remember a few things about the service. One of the other youth in the ward, an almost impossibly attractive young woman named Melanie, played the piano. One of the hymns we sang was "How Firm a Foundation". Granny gave one of the talks. And Uncle Cal had to repeat the baptismal prayer at least four times before he got it word for word. And thus it came to pass that on June 18th, 1982, I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And then there's the epilogue to the story. As I was preparing to leave for missionary service in the spring of 1989, I was talking to my mother about how I had come to that point. I mentioned that it all dated back to that first plane ride with Granny. And she said the most remarkable thing: "Well, you knew that Granny and I set that up, didn't you?" I was floored. No, I had no idea that I'd been set up.

That's not a complaint, by the way. I am grateful for Mom's insight, for her recognizing that I needed something in my life and knowing what it was. Becoming a member of the church changed my outlook, my perspective, and my life. It brought about a change in my life has served as a foundation for everything that has happened since. Most of what is good and memorable in my life has come about, either directly or indirectly, as a result of that plane trip.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Or, rather, I was home for Christmas. Here's the obligatory report of the trip.

I took the bus from Salt Lake City to Fort Collins, Colorado last Thursday, December 23rd. It wasn't bad, although it certainly wasn't as glamorous as flying. But the trip went by quickly, and it was cheaper that I could have driven it myself. I finished Animal Farm and I, Robot on the trip, and started Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass. Once it got too dark to read (the lights on the bus were not outstanding) I switched over to my CD/mp3 player and listened to some music from Think Tank Media: Lana Lane, Erik Norlander, Mark McCrite, and, of course, the Rocket Scientists. It was cold that day: 10° F when I left the house in SLC, 0° F in Rawlins (in the late afternoon, so that was probably the high for the day), and -9° F when I got to the house in Johnstown. But we didn't get hit with the blizzard that buried most of the midwest, and the roads were clear.

We had our Christmas celebration with the nieces on the 24th, one of four such events they would attend (Mom, Dad, two sets of grandparents). We exchanged gifts with them, opening only those to or from Debbie and the girls (Mikayla and Jordan). I got a snow globe with pictures of the girls inside. Sam got one too, but his was leaking. It turned out that his had been left in the car overnight. Remember how I said it was well below zero the previous night? His had frozen solid and cracked the plastic bubble. It made for a good laugh.

The rest of the Christmas festivities waited until the next morning. Sam and his sig. ot., Kendra, come over at around 8:30 and we all opened the remaining presents while eating the traditional Christmas (and Easter) breakfast of goldenrod eggs. Highlights of gifts I received include a replica Colorado Rockies jersey and Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas Celebration from Mom and Dad and a PlayStation (v1.0, used) from Sam. I was pleased to find that everyone really liked the gifts I chose for them, too. We had never exchanged gifts at the breakfast table before, but we agreed afterward that it worked really well.

Sam and Kendra then had to leave to spend part of the day with her family. Mom and I went to Aaron's house to visit him and the girls and to deliver his gifts. Aaron and I were thinking along the same lines for gifts. I got him The Blue Collar Comedy Tour CD and Ron White's Drunk in Public CD; he got me The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again DVD. He also gave me a beautifully framed, sepia-tone portrait of the girls - which I left on his counter when we left. It was good to spend time with Aaron and the girls, to see them together in his home. I think Mom was really surprised to see how well he's doing.

We got home, and Dad started cooking our traditional Christmas dinner: prime rib. (Did I mention that Dad's in the ag business?) There were other side dishes and hors d'oeuvres as well, including crab-stuffed mushrooms that were very tasty but too hot (spicy) for me to eat more than one. Sam and Kendra got back, and we sat down to dinner about 7:30, I guess. It was wonderful. The food was almost as good as the company.

Boxing Day (the 26th) found us meeting Sam and Kendra for breakfast at a little German bakery and restaurant in Loveland called Schmidt's. It was excellent. If you should ever find yourself there, I recommend the peach crepes. Derek came up from Denver that afternoon, and we spent a few hours together. It's sad to think that these visits will become even more infrequent now that he's decided to take the professor position at Small Midwest College. But it's what he needs at this time in his life, and I'm confident that we'll still remain close. After all, we've done it for a quarter of a century now.

Sam and Kendra came over that night, and Sam brought one of his gifts: a poker set, complete with four colors of chips and two decks of cards. Let me state at this point that I am not a gambler. I think casinos are a tax on people who are bad at math. Even if you just gamble recreationally - and I'm not saying I've never done this - you should never wager more than you can afford to lose, and you should go into any wager expecting to lose everything you bet. Having said that, the five of us sat down for a friendly (i.e., non-monetary) game of poker. Kendra had never played poker before, so we all set out trying to teach her. Sam started with Texas hold 'em, but it was soon agreed that five card draw would make for a better introduction. She proved to be a quick learner, and a good time was had by all. Dad opted out at 8:30 or so, Mom retired around 10:30, and the rest of us called it a game at midnight.

I got back on the bus in Fort Collins the next morning at 9:30, and it was much more crowded than the trip out had been. There were only two empty seats left when we got underway, and a seeing-eye dog was sitting on the floor in front of one of them. At our next stop in Laramie, half a dozen people were told they would have to wait for the next bus because we had no room. (I'm glad I got on in Fort Collins!) I spent most of the day napping and reading. I finished The Golden Compass about the time it got dark. Three books finished in one trip. At that rate, I should be able to give Derek back all the books he lent me about this time next year....

The bus pulled into the SLC station just after 6:00, and I made my way back home. After unpacking (mostly), talking to Mom and Aaron, and getting the PlayStation hooked up, I turned in. I was beat. Even if you're not doing the driving, 500 miles on the road is a long way to go in one day.

The Christmas holiday treated me well. I hope that was the case for all of you, too.

You're a Mean One....

Your Christmas is Most Like: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

You can't really get into the Christmas spirit... But it usually gets to you by the end of the holiday.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

This is also, perhaps not entirely coincidentally, my favorite Christmas special. I'll admit that I took the quiz twice, because I got "A Very Brady Christmas" the first time. Blech!

As Time Goes By

Good heavens, it's Thursday morning already. Where the Sam Hill did the last four days go? Let me try to remember.

Sunday afternoon I sang with the choir in our ward's Christmas service. The theme of the service was "Have Miracles Ceased?" Our singing went so well, I'd have to say that the answer to that question is no. Seriously, though, the highlight of the service was our concluding speaker. She's a younger woman in the ward who had a child a couple of months ago. No big surprise there, but soon after delivery, her body began to shut down. She went into a coma, and it looked very much like she'd never come out of it. But she received several priesthood blessings, and the ward fasted for her recovery. To the amazement of her doctors, she eventually awoke and recovered her strength. She stood before the congregation looking none the worse for the experience and told us this story, not from her own recollection, but from entries in her sister's journal. It was a very moving, faith-building moment for everyone who was there. Yes, Virginia, there are still miracles out there to be found.

Sunday evening my roommate James and I watched a documentary on the History Channel about the civil war and resulting genocide in Rwanda in the mid-90's. They had both victims and perpetrators talking about what happened. It was disturbing. The whole thing revolved around ethnic differences between the Hutu and Tutsi groups in Rwanda. These differences dated back to colonial European preferences for one of the two groups. When control of the government was turned over in the 50's, the ruling elite become an oppressed minority almost overnight. Inflammatory rhetoric ignited violence on the grounds of 'racial superiority'. That's when the massacres started. As we watched, we commented to each other that we had heard all of this before - in Germany, circa 1935. As strange as it sounds, I know that there are people out there who wonder why we still talk about the Holocaust. This is why. The horrifying scenes from Nazi Europe played out again in Rwanda, just over half a century later. Learning from history, indeed.

Monday was uneventful until about 6:30 pm, when I went with James to his singles ward's family home evening. The ward had been working on Sub for Santa for several weeks, and Monday night was delivery night. I was amazed to see how much the ward had accomplished. There were gifts for at least a dozen families, probably more. James and I took three bags of gifts and three new youth bikes to Sudanese refugee family living in northwestern Salt Lake City. We spent about 45 minutes there, talking to the mother and her sister and keeping the seven young children there entertained. Mary, the mother, told us that she had left the Sudan and moved to Kenya, Uganda, and Memphis before arriving in Utah. As she talked about the difficulties she and her family had faced, I couldn't help but be reminded of what I had watched the night before.

Tuesday was very busy. I spent part of the day on campus, taking care of a few errands and meeting with my academic advisor. I needed to talk to him about the appeal process for continuing financial aid. He said he'd seen this sort of thing all the time and called it "a no-brainer". I spent about half an hour with him and we discussed everything I needed to do in the next year to graduate. I came away from the meeting feeling guardedly optimistic about the financial aid situation.

Then I went to work and presided over a shift that ran longer than I had anticipated. I was figuring that it would go until 8:00 pm, as has been the case the last couple of times. No, this job was calling nationwide, so the shift was going until 10:00. This shift was a lot harder than previous shifts I'd managed because there was a job that had to get done that night, and I had to keep checking to make sure we were getting enough - but not too many - respondents from each quota group (men and women; 18-30, 31-50, 51 and older; that sort of thing). The project manager had set it up to get five more surveys that were actually needed. At the end of the night, we were four short of that total. Success. By the time everyone left and I ran the necessary reports, it was 10:35. I waited for literally the last train downtown at 11:05, from which I transferred to the last bus home at 11:20. I got home a bit before midnight.

Wednesday was mostly a day of preparation for the trip. I did laundry and packed. I also arranged to meet Tiffany (of The Bitter Villager fame) to pick up a gift to deliver to Derek. While talking to Derek to set up a time to meet in Colorado, I managed to spill a large quantity of molten candle wax on the carpet. So I also spent a couple of hours getting it out with an iron and some paper towels. (Thanks for the tip, old friend.) In between all of that, I spent a good deal of the day reading and responding to Cindy's blog (neurotic_one). If you haven't made your way over to her place, I would recommend that you go over, introduce yourself, and take a look. It's well worth the time.

I made my way to the South Towne Mall to meet Tiffany and her family that evening. I had difficulty finding the rendezvous point; not having been there in a while, I forgot where the store in question was. But we did finally manage to connect, and she made the necessary introductions. Nice family, and she's very sharp, friendly, and well-read. I can see why Derek respects her.

Then I came home and finished my preparations. I got to talk to Celeste, a friend with whom I enjoy talking but have yet to meet in person. James and I then shared a spaghetti dinner and a long talk about our respective situations in life. All in all, a good night.

And that brings us to this morning. In just a bit I will catch a bus to catch a train to board a bus to Colorado for the holiday weekend. I hope that Christmas treats all of you well this year. I hope each of you will all be able to spend the holiday with those you love. May we all find peace in our hearts and show good will toward those around us.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Hazy Shade of Winter

"The fog comes on little cat feet," or so Carl Sandburg tells us. The cat that brought in tonight's fog must have been an arctic lynx. It's chilly out there. (Having a permanent inversion layer doesn't help, I suppose.)

I fired up the Dreadnought and drove down to the Salt Lake City main library to pick up a couple of books for next week's trip to Colorado. Eight and a half hours each way on the road across southern Wyoming is a long time. At least someone else will be driving this time. Go Greyhound!

I got two books for the trip. One is Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass, the first book in his trilogy, His Dark Materials. The series is on my Christmas list, so there's a chance I'll actually own it in a week. But I've felt the urge to start reading it again for the last couple of weeks. As far as I could tell, I got the last available copy in the SLC library system. Sorry if that causes trouble for anyone out there.

The other book is Animal Farm. I was reminded by the music thing a few days ago (#16, No Peace by Dnash) that although I've seen it dramatized and heard a lot about it, I've never actually read it. I'll give it a shot. It may end up like Moby Dick, where I get bored and give up halfway through, resolving to try again in five or ten years. We'll see.

I was a little troubled at how long it took me to find the two books. In each case, I looked up the title on the library terminal and jotted down the call number and floor. Also in each case, I ended up looking in entirely the wrong area once I got to the right floor, and had to ask for help. Then I felt silly for not finding it myself. Conclusion: I need to visit the library more often.

I also have the BBC production of The Lord of the Rings on CD, thanks to a Christmas gift from the folks a couple of years ago. Over the last couple of weeks, I've converted the entire 13-disk set to mp3 format and put the whole thing onto a single CD. So now I can listen to the whole saga on my CD player, which is also mp3 capable. Ah, the wonders of technology.

Okay, that's enough adventure for one day. (Sad, isn't it?) There's something important I'm supposed to do this evening. Once I've finished with the dishes, I hope I've remembered what it is.

Η γιορτή της Παρασκευής

Appetizer What is something that never fails to grab your attention?
The smile of a beautiful woman. That, and the sound of an explosion. (Both warnings of imminent peril...?)

Soup Who was the last person who gave you money, and what was it for?
I think it was Jack, one of the other supervisors at work. I was heading to Carls Jr., and he asked me to pick him up a sandwich.

Salad If you were a Smurf, what would your name be?
Sardonic Smurf. I detest the Smurfs, always have.

Main Course Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I believe I've made my feelings on astrology clear in previous posts: We Tauruses don't believe in any of that crap.
Seriously, though, I feel that astrology is an excuse that a lot of people use for not taking control of their own lives. We ultimately have to make our own choices, and live with the consequences. "Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves." (Julius Cæsar. Act i. Sc. 2.) If that explanation is good enough for Shakespeare, it's good enough for me.


Dessert Have you seen any snow this year yet? What's the weather like today in your area?
We got a little snow in late October, then got dumped on just after Thanksgiving. That snow has all since melted, but it's chilly this morning. WeatherBug tells me that it's 27°F outside right now, with a forecast for mostly cloudy skies and highs near 40°F.

Title translation provided by Babel Fish Translation.

{Friday's Feast, 17 December 2004}

BALCO Holiday Special

This is actually a T-shirt design from t-shirthumor.com

The Dance

So it's been nearly twenty-four hours now since I learned of the finalization of the divorce proceedings. I've had a night to sleep on it and a day to think about the implications. I've made the news public, both here and in an e-mail form letter to those close to me who don't generally read this forum. The end has come. I've acknowledged the fact; I've known for a while that it was coming. But I don't know that I've entirely come to grips with it yet.

I'm not sure yet just how I feel about everything. On the one hand, there is still a profound sense of loss and disappointment. Things were so good for so long, or so I thought. Then things went bad so fast that I wasn't aware at the time what was happening. I've been able to look back over the last eight months or so, and I have begun to see some of what I could have done differently. I would love to have those chances back, but I know that's never going to happen. Nor should it. Going back would be regressing, and I know that.

I feel a great sense of futility. We went through so many unique experiences over the three years or so that we were together. So many special times, so many poignant feelings, so many once-in-a-lifetime memories—all shot to Hades now. Three years of my life negated by a decision I couldn't see coming and was powerless to stop once it was made.

And I feel anger, and a sense of having been betrayed. For the first time, I felt I had really found someone I could really open up to, someone with whom I could let my defenses down without fear. It felt wonderful, and I was determined to do whatever I could to preserve that feeling. I tried to do all I knew how to do to make things work. I tried to be responsive to suggestions and to unfulfilled needs she expressed to me. And I knew that she was trying to do the same. But one day, I guess she decided it wasn't worth the effort any more and just gave up. She told me she was going to a friend's place for a few days to clear her mind. She didn't bother to tell me that she didn't intend to come back once she left. She couldn't be bothered to tell me what she thought was wrong until she'd been gone for a month. Yes, I feel betrayed, used, set up. How could I feel otherwise?

But on the other hand, I feel a certain sense of relief and resolution. Closure is important, and I have read that it is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. The uncertainty of the last several weeks is past now, and that's no small comfort. I know where I stand now, and I can start plotting a new course for myself.

And as much as I hate to say it, there is also a sense of relief that I no longer have to live with the criticism, the disappointment, and the indifference that marked the last three months of our time together. As hindsight is 20/20, I can see now the profound changes in her attitudes and behavior that started around the beginning of this year. Somehow, the beautiful spirit of the girl I married seems to have died sometime between last Christmas and Valentine's Day. I tried to be tolerant of the changes, but I can't say how living with the person who took her place would have affected me. I have to admit that I'm glad I'll never know the answer to that question now.

So, to answer the question that a couple of you posed, is last night's development a good thing or a bad thing? It seems to me that it is rare for any event to be completely good or completely bad. It is what you make of it.

When I was a missionary in West Virginia, a prominent member of the ward died suddenly while on vacation. His death left a big hole in the lives of a lot of people. Close to 800 people attended his funeral. At the funeral service, one of the speakers, a close friend of this man, said something profound: “Now that Roger is gone, things can never be the same. That can mean one of two things: if things can never be the same, they will either be worse or they will be better.” I have never forgotten that, and I believe it now.

The event itself has elements of both the good and the bad. Whether the good outweighs the bad or vice versa is beside the point. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing will ultimately be up to me.

I suppose it's rather ironic that I have Garth Brooks' The Dance playing on the stereo right now. In a lot of ways, the chorus sums up my feelings right now:

  I'm glad I didn't know
  The way it all would end
  The way it all would go
  Our lives are better left to chance
  I could have missed the pain
  But I'd have had to miss the dance

And my life would have been less than it is today had I missed the dance.

That's All

I found out today that the divorce was final as of October 29th.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I originally found this fun little music meme at Miw's Musings.

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play. (Skipping instrumentals, obviously.)
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out (or otherwise identify) the songs when someone guesses correctly.

So here's my playlist. Some of them are pretty obvious, while some will be a little obscure. Good luck, faithful reader(s)!

1. And our friends are all aboard / Many more of them live next door / And the band begins to play
The Beatles, Yellow Submarine

2. Would you be remembering me? / I ask that question time and again / The answer came and haunted me so / I would not want to think it again / No, I would not want to think it again
Jimmy Buffett, Coast of Marseilles

3. Everyone's got their own opinion / And protects their own dominion / No doubt for them it's true / But I tell them what I really believe / My only worry is protecting you
Harry Connick Jr., (I Could Only) Whisper Your Name

4. Howdy Doodie / Tutti Fruity / The seam up the back of her hose
The Statler Brothers, Do You Remember These

5. It's a nice day to start again
Billy Idol, White Wedding

6. Blackness beckons from every side / Creeping all around like an incoming tide
MC 900 Foot Jesus, The City Sleeps

7. You're looking good / Just like a snake in the grass
Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), Don't Bring Me Down

8. Everybody get on board / You can't get a Cadillac from the Lord
Royal Crown Revue, Watts Local

9. If you choose not to decide / You still have made a choice
Rush, Freewill

10. I was a high school loser / Never made it with the ladies
Aerosmith (w/ Run DMC), Walk This Way

11. I want to be inside your heart / I want to love forever / I want to be inside your heart / I want to know you're with me

12. If we share / This nightmare / We can dream / Spiritus mundi
The Police, Synchronicity I

13. Once the rockets are up / Who cares where they come down? / That's not my department
Tom Lehrer, Wernher Von Braun

14. I don't think you unworthy / I need a moment to deliberate
Alanis Morissette, Uninvited

15. You want me to forget / Pretend we've never met / And I've tried and I've tried / But I haven't yet
Patsy Cline, I Fall to Pieces

16. This little piggy is outta here, baby!
Dnash, No Peace [The song is based on Animal Farm. -Ed.]

17. Like the sun through the trees you came to love me / Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away
Justin Hayward (of the Moody Blues), Forever Autumn

18. You remain / My power, my pleasure, my pain
Seal, Kiss from a Rose

19. Have there been times to laugh / Times you really want to cry / Finding reasons to believe her / 'Cause you'd die a little if she lied
Peter Cetera, Have You Ever Been in Love

20. United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru
Animaniacs, Yakko's World (a.k.a. The Nations of the World)

21. And the head coach / Wants no sissies / So he reads to us from something called 'Ulysses'
Allan Sherman, Hello Mudduh, Hello Fadduh! (A Letter from Camp)

22. Got the morning paper and the headlines read / Danger to the Queen
Toto, Stranger in Town

23. Bid my blood to run / Before I come undone
Evanscence, Bring Me to Life

24. And from the wreckage I will arise / And cast the ashes back in their eyes
Asia, Sole Survivor

25. You ain't exactly gonna be prancing around in the moonlight with a cane and a top hat
Mark Knopfler, Quality Shoe

Great work, everyone! No-prizes all around!

Пиршество пятницы

Appetizer Make up a word and give us its definition.
Schnozzle (verb): to greet with great affection, enthusiasm, saliva, and a cold nose.
Example: Derek's dog Bishop schnozzled me good the last time I saw him.

Soup What is currently your favorite song?
Well, given the season, it'd have to be a Christmas song, now wouldn't it? (You did say 'currently'.) How about the "O Come All Ye Faithful / O Holy Night" medley by Trans-Siberian Orchestra?

Salad What's at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?
The trade paperback boxed set of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials would be cool. I got the trilogy for Christmas last year but no longer have it. A new backpack would also be very helpful.

Main Course Name a scent that reminds you of someone special in your life.
The smell of baking bread always reminds me of my mother. ("Doctor Freud, paging Doctor Freud....")

Dessert Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn't be, and why?
While it's tempting to list any number of political commentators, or celebrities who talk passionately about the plight of the poor and downtrodden in America and then take chauffeured limousines to their multi-million dollar homes in Beverly Hills, I'm going to go with Jeff Probst. What are we up to now, Survivor 8? 10? Enough already. (Unless the next series is "Survivor: Arctic Polar Wastelands". I'd watch that.)

Title translation provided by Babel Fish Translation.

{Friday's Feast, 10 December 2004}

The Big Money

Okay, I admit freely that I'm not as good at dealing with stress as I could be. And I'm feeling pretty stressed out about finances right now. No, Christmas shopping has nothing to do with it. I took care of all that during the busy pre-election season. (Genesis 41:17-36 proved very useful in dealing with that situation.) Getting home for Christmas is also already taken care of. It's what's on the horizon immediately afterwards that has me worried.

First, there's my job, which actually is not that big a deal. It's an okay job. Although it's at a call center, I'm a supervisor, so I don't have to spend a lot of time on the phone. They're also very flexible with my school schedule, the primary issue that led to my having to leave my last job. It pays well enough, considering. Unfortunately, once the elections ended, our workload dropped. Whereas I was averaging about 50-60 hours per paycheck during the busy season, I'm averaging 30-35 now. And since it's part-time, of course I don't get paid for holidays (and trips to Colorado associated therewith). I still make enough to pay the rent and utilities, buy food, and so forth, but I'm not able to put anything into savings now. I got into that habit over the past couple of years, and it scares me a little not to be able to do so now.

The Dreadnought is also a problem. I've talked to some knowledgeable people about the behavior it has been exhibiting. If I'm fortunate, the problem can be solved by a routine transmission flush and service, which would run between $60 and $100. Not that big a deal. If that doesn't fix it, however, then the problem is likely to involve an expensive transmission overhaul. And that doesn't look like something I'm likely to be able to afford in the near future.

Those two issues are comparatively minor and easy to get around. The other two issues are a bit more complicated.

I learned today that the roommate who acts as the liaison between us and the owner has decided to go to Korea to teach English for a year or three. The other roommate is getting married in a week or so. That leaves me alone in the house, at least until other roommates can be recruited. That also leaves me in the position of being the middle man between the owner (who I've met only a handful of times) and any potential new roommates (who I have most likely never met at all). The utilities would all go into my name, which I've dealt with before and consider a big pain in the neck. Worse, the owner apparently has a deal with the existing middle man by which he charges this person less rent in exchange for dealing with the utilities and so forth. However, this only applies if the house is full. If not, the middle man makes up any lost rent himself. This would leave me paying three and a half times what I'm paying now to live in the same place, unless we miraculously get three new guys in here in the next 23 days. And I simply cannot afford that - even if I suddenly were to go back to working 60 hours a paycheck. The alternative is to try to find yet another place to live, and those of you who have been reading for a while know how much I relish the idea of moving again.

But the biggest issue is school. I got a letter from the financial aid department a couple of weeks ago telling me that I have taken too many credit hours and am consequently no longer eligible for federal financial aid, including student loans, retroactive to the beginning of this semester. There are grounds for appeal due to 'unusual circumstances', and I have submitted a letter requesting an exemption. As yet, no decision has been made. But if it doesn't go through, I'm screwed. Screwed, blued, and tattooed. I will owe about $2750 for the loan money I have already received - and spent! - for this semester, and I will be unable to resume classes until I pay it back and can pony up another semester's worth of tuition and fees. I'm so {obscene gerund} close to graduating, and now there's a very real possibility that I'm going to have to delay my education, again. Rubbish and similar sentiments.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about any of this. If the school thing falls through, it will likely end up taking the job with it, and I'll go back to working full-time at a job that's not really what I want to do with my life. Yeah, I know that's the common lot of mankind, and I suppose it's foolish to think I'd be spared from it. But I've already done it for so long, so many times. I'm ready to have a career that I really want, and not just another job. Or, as it turns out, maybe I'm not. Curse it all anyway.

I know that life is supposed to be a challenge. Tests of faith and willpower abound, and we are ultimately measured by how we respond to those tests. And I have always managed to come out of such challenges before, if not unscathed, then at least unbroken. And I know, ultimately, that this challenge is no different. I'll get through it; I'll do what I need to do. It's just that right now, I don't see how that's going to happen.

And for me, that's the biggest challenge.

Roundabout

I saw this bumper sticker the other day going to work:

   Recycle Yourself. Become an organ and tissue donor.

Hey, why not? I'm certainly not going to be using them at that point.^* I made the decision to be a donor several years ago, and my family knows that's the way I want it to be.

If this sounds like a good idea to you, let me direct you to the US Government web site for organ donation, organdonor.gov, for the appropriate information. You can even print off a donor card to let the appropriate people know of your decision, if it ever becomes an issue.

--

^*And let's face it, that's the only way some people are ever going to be useful, productive members of society....

Het Feest van Vrijdag

Appetizer Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood.
I collected stuffed animals when I was young, and I remember this stuffed snake I had. It was about 6 feet long and covered in long orange and yellow fur. Absolutely hideous.

Soup If you could make one thing in the world absolutely free for everyone, what would it be?
As nice as it may seem to have some things free for everyone (i.e., post-secondary education, universal health care, etc.), I don't think that giving that sort of thing away is the answer in most cases. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. I would like to see everyone have the opportunity to pursue these things freely, though.

Salad Approximately how many times per day do you think about your significant other?
Not applicable, as there is no sig. ot. at this time.

Main Course Name something you believe in 100%.
I believe in the existence, the compassion, and the accessibility of God.

Dessert List 3 things you did this year that you would consider a "good deed."
1. Helped a single mom and her kids find their way home on the bus.
2. Helped my niece with her history homework.
3. Encouraged people at work to recycle their aluminum cans instead of throwing them away.
There were probably others that I can't remember at the moment. My experience with "good deeds" is that, for the most part, they're things that people would probably do anyway.

Title translation provided by Babel Fish Translation.

{Friday's Feast, 3 December 2004}

Welcome to the Machine

As I mentioned in a post a couple of days ago, I became a motor vehicle owner again last week. The vehicle in question is a silver and blue '89 Suburban, which I have lovingly named The Dreadnought.

Having it has already proven very helpful. For example, I have to leave work at a specific time (five minutes before the hour) in order to catch the train that puts me on the correct bus downtown to get me home at night. If I miss that train, I have to wait another hour, either at work or somewhere downtown. Getting out of work at the proper time is not a problem most nights, but with my new managerial duties, it has become impossible to predict when I might be done and able to leave work on Tuesday nights now. Having the Dreadnought will keep me from singing the public transit blues on such occasions. And I'll admit, it is nice not to have to lug groceries home on the bus.

But there are also challenges, and some of these have become apparent in the last week. The biggest of these is the expense.

Being a UTA junkie, I have been rather naive about the cost of gasoline over the past year or so. Boy, what a wake-up call! I found gas prices ranging from $1.77 per gallon in Laramie, Wyoming, to $1.99 here in the Sugarhouse neighborhood of Salt Lake City. And the Dreadnought uses a lot of gas. I filled the tank in Laramie (19+ gallons, $34.00) and again in Evanston (19+ gallons, $34.01), then topped off the tank in Salt Lake (3 gallons, $6.00). Result: on the drive back from Colorado, I spent almost $75.00 on gas and averaged about 17 miles per gallon.

Getting the Dreadnought here was only the beginning, though. I took it in and got the state safety and emissions inspection done on Monday, which was $42.00. Then I went to get license plates. In addition to the annual license fee, there was the one-time cost of the plates themselves, plus a fee to issue a Utah title to replace the one issued by the state of Colorado upon the sale of the vehicle. Total cost: $49.50. It will probably also need an oil change soon, and that typically runs about $30.00.

But wait, there's more. The Dreadnought, to its credit, behaved marvelously for most of the drive to Utah. It handled the show and the icy roads without much problem. However, on the drive down Parley's canyon, it became necessary to shift out of Drive down into second gear to accommodate the slow speed of traffic on the slick, 6% grade road. Unfortunately, it now will no longer shift up past second, even when it's in Drive. As a result, it's fine for driving around town at speeds up to 35 miles per hour, but essentially incapable of going any faster.

I checked the transmission fluid level, and found it to be a little low upon arrival in Salt Lake. I have since purchased and added more fluid ($2.39 per quart), but the behavior persists. I'm afraid that I'll have to take it in to a transmission shop. My roommate just had some tranny work done on his vehicle and is about $1800 lighter in the wallet for the experience. Ouch.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a car, and yes, I have heard the advice of Patrick F. McManus, Never Sniff a Gift Fish. Still, on the whole, I am reminded of the words of J.S. Bach, as quoted by Professor Peter Schickele in his 1989 composition Bach Portrait:

Most noble and most esteemed cousin, that you and your dear wife are still well, I am assured by the agreeable note I received from you yesterday, accompanying the excellent little cask of wine you sent me, for which I send you herewith the thanks I owe you. It is, however, greatly to be regretted that the little cask was damaged, either by being shaken up in the wagon, or in some other way; for when it was opened for the usual customs inspection here, it was almost two-thirds empty....Although my honored cousin kindly offers to oblige with more of the liqueur, I must decline his offer on account of the excessive expenses here. For, since the carriage charges cost sixteen groshen, the delivery man two groshen, the customs inspector two groshen, the inland duty five groshen three pfennig, and the general duty three groshen, my honored cousin can judge for himself that each quart costs me almost five groshen - which, for a present, is really too expensive.^*

Ah, the joys of vehicle ownership.

--
^* P.D.Q. Bach. "Bach Portrait." 1712 Overture & Other Musical Assaults. Telarc International Corporation, 1989.